‘Stone Me ! I never knew there were more temporary lights on the island than permanent ones ‘
January
At their first meeting of the year, the States, they’re still going on about a green policy, them. Someone suggests they could cut down the size of the billets and consultants reports, because that would save the rainforests and the trees, eh? So the Environment, they produce a 200-page consultancy document on the subject.
That minister who admitted he forgot to get a law in place to allow the zero-10%, he says it doesn’t show Guernsey wasn’t ready. But he’s joined by another who apologises for not getting the insurance discs ready for the change in the motor tax law. Then one admits he hasn’t got the roads sorted out for Les Nicolles School. But one says he did have a strategy ready to stop under-age drinking, it’s just that he should have put up the price of alcohol instead of milk.
February
The debate on the green policy, it’s carried over to February. After suggesting turning off the amber bulbs in traffic lights, some deputies say perhaps the landing lights to the airport could be turned off as well. The airlines, they say even if they were, they still wouldn’t be as dim as the States.
With delays in providing insurance discs, a visiting magistrate throws out 50 cases of motorists who have been accused of circulating untaxed vehicles. He says he’s driven in the island, him, and the traffic congestion makes it impossible to circulate.
March
There’s the election coming up next month, eh, mon vieux? Some of the deputies, they start to get nervous, them, and complain that 16 years old is too young to vote. They say the youngsters at that age are still only children. Old Jack, he says they should be allowed to stand as candidates then, because they’ll fit in well, eh?
There’s a consultant’s report published in the Press into the cause of the fire under Mont Cuet. The experts say the scientific name for the problem is back burner, and it’s caused by all the billets on projects the States have put there. The trouble is, it’s likely to burn forever.
April
The States, they still can’t get their green policy to work, them. After they take all the amber bulbs out of the traffic lights, the Electricity Board says consumption has gone up. There’s a big investigation and a consultant’s report, and it turns out they didn’t allow for all the temporary traffic lights and there’s more of those in the island than permanent ones.
The new ferry company, it’s due to start services again this month, eh. The Jersey harbours board, it says it welcomes competition on the sea routes, even if it benefits Guernsey. But unfortunately it happens to have found an old by-law preventing companies with the letters H or D in their name from operating in St Helier.
May
The States, they’re still trying to sort out their green policy, them. But the sports enthusiasts say they’ve already made plans for climate change. They announce that sand racing will be replaced by camel racing. And the underwater cyclists, they claim when the sea levels rise as a result of global warming, they’ll have the fastest way to Town from the north of the island.
There’s a big island-wide power cut at the beginning of the month, Eugene. And all the shops in Town close down because their electronic tills don’t work. Gabriel’s reopens, selling everything for cash using wooden till drawers.
June
It’s the Chief Pleas meeting this month, mon vieux, and there’s a lot of people angry when they find that Brecqhou has bought up half of Sark. There’s some saying it’s worse than when that CI Traders owned half of Guernsey. The Chief Pleas say it might not be that bad, but they don’t like the idea of the island being renamed Brecqhou Express.
The Commerce and Employment, they say it’s not their fault the building of the new Royal Court House was overspent. A report published this month shows that the architects put in extra doors in the States chamber. When asked why, they said it would make it easier for deputies to walk out when others get up to speak.
July
‘ Raising the profile: The benifits are clear to see ‘
Those Surfers Against Sewage, they dress up as clowns outside the Royal Court House to get publicity for their cause as States members go in. Unfortunately, none of the media reports on the protest, because the journalists can’t tell which ones are protesters and which ones are deputies.
The Office of Utility Regulation, it finally decided not to allow any more mobile telephone masts in the island. It says there’s so many mobile phones in the island now, they can get just as good coverage by fitting a small aerial to every handset.
The States are still talking about recycling to save the trees. Old Jack, he says, when you think, trees are used to make paper pulp, so perhaps that’s why a lot of the speeches are pulp, eh?
August
The Miss Guernsey competition is cancelled again this year, eh? One investigative reporter from the Press claims it’s because that UK justice minister won’t allow anyone to get crowned in Guernsey until Guernsey sorts out Sark’s constitution.
The Commerce and Employment, they say it’s purely a commercial decision if one company wants to buy another big company and then sell off 24 pubs. Later, a company puts in a bid for the States of Guernsey, saying it plans to sell off 24 deputies.
September
The new school to Les Nicolles, it finally opens this month, eh? There’s a lot of parents complaining because they have some children going to La Mare, some to Les Nicolles and some to St Peter Port. The Education say it’s not their fault, different States departments all joined in the planning and there were minority reports from its own members. But the teachers say if it appears disjointed it will help to educate kids in the way the island works.
The States, they’ve spent thousands of pounds on advice on how to put out the fire under Mont Cuet, but it’s still burning, eh? A consultant’s report later proves to be a hoax and turns out to be from an old Guernseyman from St Saviour’s, who says they could use the heat to run a steam turbine, then they could have a waste to energy plant without doing anything.
October
That new school to Les Nicolles, it’s been open a month already, eh? The teachers, they say it’s really good for the pupils and lessons have been learned already. The Education, they say the same, but that’s because they’ve got the final bill and found it’s over budget.
The developers finally get round to opening a new road to cope with the congestion round the school, but a few parishioners complain about the name Adored Clos, saying it’s too English. The developers say they’re just planning ahead, it’s an anagram of Road Closed.
A survey of youngsters who are calling St Sampson’s High School ‘the Nick’ shows they’re disillusioned with the new government, and they’re even calling the States chamber the ‘Waste of Energy’ Plant.
November
‘ Foiled Escape; Both sides will have to learn to fence ‘
There’s a big fuss when final year pupils at St Sampson’s High are found breaking windows and causing vandalism. They say they’re just trying to get a transfer to the prison next door, so they can study for their degree courses without any student loans, and get free meals and accommodation as well, eh?
At their November meeting, the States agree it hasn’t been a good year. The black hole turned brown instead of grey, the green policy didn’t work and critics say they were too yellow to do any blue skies thinking. That amateur dramatic group, it announces the pantomime this year will be a political satire, called ‘Guernsey and its Amazing Technicolor Dream House’.
December
The States say they can’t reduce the size of the billets, but they promise to send them all for recycling, them. One critic, he says it would be better not to send them for recycling and just to keep them intact. After all, they keep talking about the same things and deferring any decisions, so they could use the same ones over and over again, eh?
The Chief Minister, he denies a claim that the government isn’t joined up. He says when the Dairy was losing money they put the price of milk up, when the airport needed money they put the landing charges up, and now the government’s losing money they’re putting the taxes up. He says that’s pretty consistent, eh?
There’s a big disappointment for the children in Town this year, when Father Christmas doesn’t arrive. It seems he forgot he’d need money for the paid parking this year, eh? The parents, they say it wasn’t worth taking the children to Church Square anyway, just to watch him turn on a single, low wattage, low energy light bulb.
* Aen Bouanne Annaie from Emile!
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