Saturday, 6th September 2008

Neil Ross

French disconnection

0592285.jpgIllustration by Peewee.

CHER Eugene,

Well, I have to say: the new States, they’ve made a pretty average start, mon vieux. Some of the committees, they’re flexing their muscles to show they’re better than the old ones, them.

But some have already had to apologise for mistakes.

And others are refusing to admit they’ve made mistakes.

So nothing much has changed, eh?

Environment, they’ve finally announced they’re going to make the roads round the new schools one-way, eh? There’s loads of people in the area saying they haven’t been consulted, the garage and the riding school and even the parish constables, but the people from the department said they had to make a quick decision, so there wasn’t time to consult everyone. Caw, I don’t know how they can say that, mon vieux. It makes it sound as though they’ve just found out someone’s built new schools to Les Nicolles without telling anyone, eh?

There’s still some saying a one-way system will affect the residents every day of the year, when the schools will have traffic for only a few hours a day in term time, so they should wait and see what problems there are. But, I suppose these new deputies, they want to make an impression, eh? And making a quick decision will be a contrast with the old States, that’s for sure.

There’s some even want to prove themselves by reversing the previous States’ decisions, Eugene.

When you think, that could be interesting – every election could reverse the direction of the one-way system round the Baubigny, eh? Perhaps that would balance it up for the traders, mon vieux.

And there’s some in Education saying they want to change the decision on student loans, them. I’ve always said Guernsey should look after its youngsters and stop importing people from England and if it helped their education and made it easy for them to come back, there would be more locals. But I suppose that’s too obvious for States members, eh, mon vieux?

And there’s a few saying it’s the universities’ fault, for treating Guernsey students like overseas ones. But when you think, this States business plan is supposed to show we’re independent of the UK, so they can’t have it both ways, eh? Or perhaps they can, like the traffic round the new schools.

And that new minister for Health, he hasn’t had a good start, him. His first job was to apologise. And not just to anyone, but to the crapauds, eh? It was because HSSD, they put an advert in the Jersey Evening Post asking for nurses to come and work in Guernsey, saying they could escape GST. He had to quickly apologise and say it was all a mistake. I suppose that’s because he might turn out to be wrong when the new Treasury decides they have to bring in GST in Guernsey, eh?

Mind you, there’s no one prepared to apologise over that website, Eugene.

I told you someone showed the States how it was possible to get into its computer records and even read bank details of some local people, eh? That data protection one, he did an investigation, him, into what’s wrong with the States system and the Policy Council, it said it’d make the report public because it had nothing to hide. But then instead of thanking the one who showed them, the council reported him to the police and now they say it can’t release the report because ‘it’s a police matter’. Caw, you might say that’s a bit of a cop-out, eh, mon vieux?

But I heard its security had more holes than the targets on the shooting range. And it’s done all the recommendations in the report and put new controls in place, so that’s an admission of guilt, eh? And you’ll never guess what else it said, Eugene. It said, ‘lessons have been learned’. Well, some things haven’t changed, eh?

Talking about websites and all that, it was in the Press how the broadband speeds in the island are slower than almost anywhere else. I have to say, I don’t understand all this new technology, mon vieux, but with three companies in competition with each other telling us how advanced they are, it should be bloney good, eh? I was thinking, perhaps that’s why people can hack into the system – because the data’s going so slowly, they can catch it before it gets processed?

And this Office of Utility Regulation, it’s going to release details of where all the phone masts are now, so everyone can know. It seems to me that’s a bit late, now they’re already there, eh? And, if they’ve all had planning permission, it can’t be a big job to put them all in a list, eh? Caw, the States spend all that money on a regulator and we’ve got slow broadband speeds, a States website that leaks like a sieve and a list of applications put together from old Gazettes.

Old Jack, he was saying if they saved the money, they could afford to pay students grants instead of loans, eh? They could even buy Herm, Eugene. I didn’t tell you, it’s for sale, eh? The owners, they want to sell the lease, and it’s still got 40 years to run, eh? Mind you, there’s a condition that whoever buys it has to keep it nice and keep it open to the public. So Jack’s pleased, because he’d miss his trips to The Mermaid, him, eh?

There was one deputy saying he thought the States should buy it, but the lease belongs to Guernsey anyway, so it gets it  for free when the 40 years is up. And when you look at the way the States have spoiled Guernsey, hang, would anyone trust it to look after Herm, Eugene?

There’s supposed to be lots of people interested in buying it, mon vieux. There’s even some who flew over to look at the island from a helicopter. But it wasn’t the people everyone thought, eh? After all, they’ve flown over it before, them, and there’s some people think they’re busy buying up the other island, eh?

It will be a shame if it’s not someone local, Eugene, because there’s not much of Guernsey belongs to locals anymore, eh? That firm that bought up half the pubs in the islands, it’s sold them now – but to another firm that no one’s heard of, so we still don’t know what will happen. And even one of the fuel distributors to Bulwer Avenue, it’s been sold to a French company now. When you think, the visitors used to come and see Guernsey crafts and local shops, and Tourism, they used to advertise for people to come to Guernsey because of its French atmosphere. Now St Peter Port looks like any English town and the only French influence they’ll see is on a guided tour of the fuel depot, eh?

Anyway, I have to get my hedge cut, Eugene, or I’ll be in trouble with the constables, so I’d better finish this and get started while I’ve got the weather, me. I’ll write again soon, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile.

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