Cher Eugene,

YOU remember when we were at school, Eugene? And Jack Torode, he was always in trouble, him? Well, it’s the Education themselves in trouble now, eh?

You know they’ve been telling us for years how the Guernsey schools get better results than the UK? Well, it turns out they’ve been hiding the real figures, them, and the secondary schools would be classed as failing if they were in the UK.

Jack said perhaps the Education members went to those schools, so they’re not very good at maths, but it seems they’re quite good at manipulating figures when they want to, eh?

And when they were caught, they were like a naughty pupils coming up with excuses, Eugene. That minister, she’s always had a thing about the 11-plus, her, so that was the first reason.

Then it was the teachers and the housing licences, and then it was the pupils, then it was the buildings. And when they ran out of things to blame, they said it wasn’t fair to compare the local schools with the UK. They were happy enough to compare them when they thought they were doing well though, eh?

In the end the chief minister had to order a review into the whole thing, and the Education got themselves into a right mess, Eugene. The minister, she said she wasn’t going to resign, but then she changed her mind and offered her resignation but didn’t want it accepted.

Some of the board members said they would resign as well, but some said they wouldn’t, and some wanted to resign and then get re-elected. It was like a class of unruly pupils out of control. Jack said they didn’t need a review, they needed an old-fashioned schoolmaster with a cane, eh?

Talking of statistics and numbers, the Treasury got their strategic plan for the economy passed, them. They say Guernsey is doing well and better than the UK but when you think, that’s what the Education said about the schools, eh?

From what I heard, they’ve got a black hole and no corporate tax and the rest of the world is in trouble, but the States plan is to do nothing, keep their heads down and everything will be fine. It’s no wonder that got passed then, eh?

That Treasury one, he even said they’ve made some savings so they can spend money on new things. But I didn’t think that was the idea, Eugene. My dad used to tell me I wasn’t saving if I just went out and spent the money on something else, eh?

And when you think, they might need the savings for the overspend on the airport runway, because the Environment, they’ve given planning permission now, them.

Mind you, we knew they would, Eugene, after all, it’s not a granite wall or a garden shed, eh? And where the Education are trying to hide behind statistics, the Environment are trying hiding behind gobbledygook. I’ve got the Press here, me, and it says they’ve protected the environment by telling the contractors to prepare a construction environmental management plan to reduce the risk of adverse impacts of construction on sensitive environmental receptors. What’s that supposed to mean, mon vieux?

Like Jack said, there’ll be enough garbage left over from all their building works, they don’t have to talk it as well, eh?

He said he’s worked on the land all his life, him, he knows all the plants and animals and insects that live in Guernsey, but he’s never met an environmental receptor yet, eh?

It’s normally the advocates and lawyers you expect to talk complicated language like that, eh? There was one the other week saying the island could make millions of pounds by registering image rights, so celebrities can protect their name from being misused and all that. I don’t know if it means the States or the law firms will make millions, but I don’t suppose the advocates will be out of pocket, eh?

I said to Jack, they could start by registering the States’ image – after all, there can’t be another government like it, eh?

And the police came out with some statistics last week, saying they’ve made double the number of armed responses in one year. Well, I suppose they have to justify all the money they spent on those armoured cars, them. Jack said they’ve probably gone out the same number of times, but because they’ve used those new vehicles that’s an armed response, even if they’re going out to get their fish and chips, eh?

The police and Customs weren’t very pleased when someone in Sark suggested the Sarkees could set up their own border agency, mon vieux, to stop anyone smuggling from France. Perhaps they’re afraid Sark will want their own armoured vehicles, eh?

Jack said the Sarkees could use a tractor with a muck spreader attached, that would put off any smugglers, eh? He said it would be cheaper than armoured vehicles and they’d have plenty of ammunition, not like those Taser guns the police have got, eh?

I don’t know about importing illegal things from France, Eugene, but we couldn’t even import their electricity a few weeks ago, us. That cable link, it was cut off twice in three days, and all the lights went out here and in Jersey, eh?

Bert, from L’Ancresse, he told me the traffic lights by that Admiral Park were off so the cars along the front were filtering instead and the traffic flowed better than when they’re working. He said we should have had a power cut before they put those bloney traffic lights to Route Militaire.

He was saying about L’Ancresse Common, and how the Commons Council might start charging the golfers and the horse racing and other people who use the common, so they’ll have some money to maintain it. He’s a habitant, so I suppose he’ll get it free, him, but most people seem to think it’s a fair idea, mon vieux.

After all, the golfers can spend more on their holes than the council can on the ground the holes are in, eh?

Talking of the common, you know there’s always hundreds of seagulls round the Mont Cuet tip? Well, the other week there were a lot of gulls found suffering from a strange illness, but that animal charity managed to treat some and release them back into the wild.

They said it was important because herring gulls are an endangered species. Can you believe that, Eugene? Hang, you wouldn’t think so if you visited Mont Cuet or went with Mick on his fishing boat.

And I bet people eating their fish and chips on the wall to Cobo wouldn’t believe it either, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile