Cher Eugene,

COR, there’s some States departments getting themselves into a mess just lately, mon vieux. It’s a good job there’s an election coming up, so they can leave before they make more of a mess, eh?

That Commerce and Employment Department, they were negotiating with the UK government about the firms that send goods to England without paying VAT, but they didn’t do very well, them, because the UK just said they will be banned from doing it from April. Jack Torode said it’s normal for States departments to spend a lot of time talking without getting anywhere, eh?

But there’s a lot of people who will be put out of work, Eugene, and it will affect the real local firms like the flowers and post office, and even the ferries.

There’s a few people blaming Commerce and Employment, because they let these big UK firms come here just to import CDs and then export them again to avoid tax, so it’s no wonder English MPs say Guernsey’s a tax haven and want to stop it, eh?

That Commerce minister, she said they couldn’t stop the firms coming to Guernsey, but I don’t know how hard they tried, mon vieux. When you think, there’s something wrong if a department can stop a Guernseyman putting a shed to his vinery, but can’t stop an English firm coming and taking over a whole building, eh?

And the UK, they’re just picking on the Channel Islands, Eugene, because the ban doesn’t apply to other countries. Some of the firms are planning to move to Switzerland, but the local firms that produce real Guernsey goods, like the flowers, they can’t move to another country, them. People wouldn’t believe that goods from Guernsey included flowers like edelweiss and cheese with big holes in, eh?

There’s some saying the post office will lose a lot of money because it won’t have so many packages to send. But they’ve already cut the deliveries to five days a week, mon vieux – hang, if it carries on, there won’t be any deliveries at all. We’ll have to use carrier pigeons or collect the post ourselves and the post office will only need a shed instead of that great big building. That’s if they can get permission to build a shed of course, eh? I don’t know what that OUR will do – perhaps try to regulate the size and weight of the pigeons, Eugene.

But do you know, I heard someone say it’s the Guernsey post that collects the VAT and sends it off to the UK, but it does it for free? Cor, there’s an obvious answer there, then – they just tell the UK it will cost £15 to collect the VAT each time, eh? And they put the money in a Guernsey offshore account and tell the UK to come and get it.

There’s some people saying the UK action is illegal, so the States could take them to court, but when you think what happened with the UK fishermen, I’m not too sure they should take on the UK government, eh?

And even when they know someone’s breaking the law, they don’t seem to do anything, Eugene. There’s a shop to the Bridge, it’s started importing English UHT milk for sale, and Commerce and Employment says it’s against the law, but all they’re doing is taking advice from the Law Officers. Jack said, why do they need advice when they know the law’s being broken, they know who’s doing it and the evidence is on display in a shop? The milk is supposed to be long-life, but it will be out of date before they decide what to do. He said if he phoned up and said it was a domestic argument, the police would be round with armed response vehicles and have the area closed off before he’d put the phone down, eh?

Mind you, the police will have to respond on pushbikes if the Environment get their way, because their latest report on traffic says that owning a car in Guernsey should be a privilege, not a right. Cor, that upset some people, mon vieux. I think the only ones pleased were in that pedestrian group, but like Jack says, without any cars, they’d have nothing to do, eh?

Perhaps if there’s a lot of conveyor belts left over when these fulfilment firms move out, the group will suggest putting them end-to-end for pedestrians to get into Town, eh?

And there might not be any buses to get to Town soon, because the Environment, they were negotiating a new contract with the bus company, but the company got so fed up they’ve said they’re going to stop running the bus service. That was as successful as the Commerce and Employment negotiations with the UK government then, eh?

The Environment minister, he said he wasn’t worried, him, because another company could do it, but then he found he had to stay with the same company because of a States resolution. And it’s just as well, Eugene, because the company owns the bus garage and the States say they haven’t got a site for another one. But that’s strange, when they can find room for these English firms to move in and upset the UK government and they can find sites and even rearrange roads for data parks, eh?

Jack said if they get really stuck, they could use the disc parks that are full of cars for sale, because the Law Officers don’t seem to do anything about them, either.

Mind you, I’ve said before, there won’t be much room for anything soon with all the building going on, mon vieux. There’s talk now about developing the Careening Hard and I told you they want to change the whole harbour, to take bigger boats and even super-yachts. It’s funny how one States department says owning a car is a privilege but another wants to spend millions helping people who own superyachts, eh?

And they’re looking for ideas for the slaughterhouse as well, now, for when they build a new one to St Sampson’s. There was an idea to use it for that Asterix Roman wreck, so I don’t know if that’s still on the cards, but it’s a really good old Guernsey building, eh, mon vieux?

Jack said when you look at what happened to the Town Markets, he wouldn’t put it past the Environment to let an outside firm knock it down and build a bus station. We were saying it would be a good place for a proper fruit and meat market, but it should be designed and operated by Guernsey growers and producers and the States should tell the UK government they’re banning UK firms or shops from going near it. And whatever happens, they shouldn’t start negotiations about it, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin, Emile.