Illustration by Peewee

Cher Eugene,

I told you there’s a general election coming up, eh, mon vieux? Mind you, if you didn’t know, you’d soon guess, because none of the States members wants to make any decisions, them. But I suppose that’s not unusual, eh?

After all, the States, they’re not exactly known for their speed of action, Eugene. Old Jack Torode, he’s always said he’s known ormers move faster, him.

It’s like this idea of moving the clocks forward. That chief minister, he’s come out and said the States should defer any decision. He says they shouldn’t rush things, they need to think about it carefully and there needs to be proper consultation.

I don’t see why, mon vieux, I mean, I’ve never known the States change their minds just because of consultation, eh?

I’ve worked out what the trouble is, mon vieux. It’s because they’re talking about putting the clocks forward. And the States, they’re not too good at going forward, eh? They’re more used to going backwards, them, to the times they were debating what to do about the island’s waste and whether the runway needed extending and how much the New Jetty should cost. When you think, they’re still doing that now, eh?

Mind you, this time the States members don’t want to do anything that might upset the electorate, at least not the ones standing again, eh? And there’s others, they want to delay any decisions they don’t like because if they wait, they might get the new States to change the decision, eh?

There’s a deputy to the Vale says the Commerce and Employment are dragging their heels over the milk licences because they didn’t get their own way in the States.

She says they just want to wait so they can do it their way, despite what the States told them. That’s after they’ve stood for election for a democratic States, eh?

I suppose it’s like the paid parking, Eugene. The Environment, they still haven’t got any meters or worked out a system for how it will work.

But at least their minister, he’s prepared to say he’s not exactly rushing it because he doesn’t like the idea. Then again, I don’t know that many who do like it, mon vieux. After all, it’s not what we want in Guernsey, eh?

There’s one deputy, he said it would be better for people to pay a few pounds for their parking clock instead of putting meters and tickets and having extra controllers and civil servants.

I thought it was good idea, Eugene. After all, you have to use a clock to park anywhere, so it would apply to everyone and not just the office workers in Town who will get their parking fees paid by the banks, eh?

And when you think, there’s a fine if you park without a clock now, so that would be the same, eh? But I suppose it’s too simple and they don’t do it in England, eh?

And with the election coming, the Education, they don’t want to say any more about closing the primary schools, them. After all, there was all that fuss when they decided there should be student loans, eh?

There’s a few who said they should encourage the Guernsey youngsters to come back to the island by giving them cheaper loans or longer to pay if they come back to Guernsey. I’m for that, me. After all, that’s half the trouble with the island, mon vieux: there’s too many English workers coming here because the locals can’t afford to come back and they keep trying to turn Guernsey into a little England, eh?

Mrs Tostevin, from the stores, she said it was the States’ responsibility to educate the local children. And if they carry on with the loans idea, where will it stop? They might end up doing the same for the primary school children and give them loans to go off to primary schools in the UK. Then that would save them the cost of refurbishing the schools, eh?

But I don’t know if any new States will waste less money than the present one, Eugene. That Public Accounts Committee, they got the National Audit Office to work out how much the States spent on consultants and it came to £13m. in just two years.

Caw, that’s a hang of a lot, eh? And I bet they were all UK experts, them.

But then I was thinking, me, the Public Accounts Committee asked the National Audit Office to work out the figures, so that’s using consultants again, eh?

I don’t see why they couldn’t just add up the numbers from the Billets themselves.

And I suppose there will be more consultants telling the Public Works how to put the fire out under Mont Cuet tip. I heard they don’t want to let it keep it burning or it might collapse.

But I would have thought that was good, mon vieux, because then you could get more in, eh? Anyway, I said to Jack Torode, all they have to do is put it up for a debate in the States. By the time they make up their minds, the fire will have burned itself out, eh?

Old Bert, from L’Ancresse, he was saying someone needed to light a fire under the States because they’ve cut off the north of the island again.

He said if it takes seven months just to put a main drain along Les Effards, how long will it take them to build a whole new runway, eh?

It seems to me they’ve got this new machinery of government and States members being paid and all that, but they just seem to talk a lot and do nothing, except spend money.

I mean, they invented this Office of Utility Regulation, which is supposed to save money, but it’s bloney expensive to run, eh?

And now the regulator, he’s set the charges for the post office for the next few years, and it means the post office will have to save £3.3m., eh?

On the Press he said it’s up to the post office how to do it and it’s not for him to tell them. But it seems to me, if he’s looked at the books and decided they can save that much, he must have an idea of how, so why can’t he tell them? Perhaps he can’t afford the stamp, mon vieux.

Like we’ve said before, they’ve got all these States departments, but they just don’t act joined up, eh?

Even this last week, there were some organisers who wanted to put on a big pop concert, like they have in Jersey, on the cricket pitch to Victoria Avenue. But that Culture and Leisure one, he said it would spoil the cricket pitch and he wasn’t going to have a concert like that on his land.

But Bert was saying, whether you like pop concerts or not, it’s part of culture and leisure, eh? And the crapauds, they said it could bring thousands of people to the islands.

Then on the Press the cricket people said they didn’t have any objections, but the minister, he still wouldn’t have it, him.

Caw, it got batted backwards and forwards more than a one-day cricket match, mon vieux.

It was more like a game of ping-pong, eh?

I suppose the trouble was, they wanted to stage the concert in May, so they needed a quick decision, Eugene. But that meant the Culture and Leisure couldn’t leave it for a new States after the election, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile.