Illustration by Peewee

Cher Eugene,
I suppose you’ve had all the news about this credit crunch on your side of the world as well, mon vieux. There’s some finance people saying it won’t be too too bad for the industry in Guernsey, but I wonder if some States members are getting nervous now about having all their eggs in one basket, eh?

There’s a lot of people saying you can’t be certain of anything anymore. The papers, they’ve been full of advice on how to protect your savings and investments and all that. That would be good if I had any investments, me, eh?

Do you remember Jack’s dad, he used to say there’s not many certain things in life, except for the seasons and the tides, and his mother-in-law’s terrible cooking, eh?

At least with the States, you can be certain that any decision they make is not certain, mon vieux, because they’re just as likely to change it again later, eh?

I mean, they decided on these student loans last year, but now they’ve changed their minds, them, so that’s all uncertain again.

They’ve told the Education to come back with another report. It seems to me that’s a bit like telling a pupil you don’t like their answers, so go away and do it again, eh?

Some of the deputies, they were worried about the cost of keeping the grants going, them, so they wanted to put a limit on the Education budget. But that was rejected, so that reverses all this talk about watching States expenditure, eh?

Then again, I suppose other departments seem to spend what they like, so why should Education be left out, them?

And after all the uncertainty about the schools, they’ve finally announced they’re going to close St Sampson’s Infants, Eugene.

It didn’t go down well with the parents, that’s for sure, but I said to Bert, I don’t think they need to worry too too much. After all, it’s only a recommendation from Education, so it’s just as likely the States will overturn it and ask for another report back, eh?

And if it goes on as long as the sewage and the waste disposal, any toddlers starting at the infants’ school now will be finished university before a decision gets made. And they’ll probably still be waiting to hear about student loans, eh?

I can’t see how the States are going to save money to pay for their zero-10, the way they carry on, Eugene. It seems to me most of their ideas end up costing more and we know who picks up the bill, eh?

Now there’s the Home Department, they want to combine the police and the Customs together to make some sort of border-control and law-enforcement agency. I suppose that’s what happens when you let States members go off to look at places like America, eh?

That Home minister, he wants to set up a new commission to oversee the combined police and Customs, but how will that save money when the department is supposed to oversee them already? I don’t suppose they’ll reduce the number of civil servants, Eugene.

And there’s one deputy, he doesn’t like the idea because the people who make up the commission, they will be unelected, them. At least there’s one who’s learned from that Office of Utility Regulation then, eh, mon vieux?

Bert was saying he doesn’t see the point, him. After all, we’ve got the police already to do law enforcement and the Customs are supposed to check everyone coming into the island, them.

He said when he came back from Brittany he had to show his passport twice at St Malo before he could get on the ferry and then twice again when he got to Guernsey. He said with a direct boat, there’s not many places to go in between, eh?

But it’s good to know it’s still the same when you go from here to France, mon vieux. If you arrive in St Malo in the middle of the afternoon, there’s nobody checking anything because the French Customs and the police, they’re still having their lunch, them.

And there was a do the other week, Eugene, when a lorry came off the White Rock and it demolished the gantry over the road, the one that tells people the height limit?

It was a removals lorry, but I don’t suppose they expected it to remove the bloney gantry, eh?

Bert said the Customs were probably so busy checking the cars for cigarettes and drinks and all that, they didn’t think to check if the lorry was too high.

He said after all, they don’t notice if money goes missing either, eh?

The way things are going, there won’t be many visitors for the Customs to check in the future, mon vieux.

That new ferry company, it’s cancelled all its sailings for the winter and the flights to Paris and to Norwich and to Manchester, they’ve all stopped as well, them.

All these ferry operators and airlines, they keep saying they’re committed to Guernsey, but I suppose it’s like a lot of companies, they’re committed to Guernsey only when there’s money to be made, eh?

I heard someone saying it wouldn’t happen with a local company, but it’s difficult to know what’s a local company these days, Eugene.

I mean, the ferries between Guernsey and the UK used to be local, but they got bought up by a group and now that’s been bought by an even bigger group.

On the Press it said even that group is actually managed by an Australian bank.

Caw, I don’t know if that’s good with all the problems in finance lately. Perhaps with the banks getting turned upside down, an Australian one will end up doing all right, eh?

And the lease for Herm, that’s been bought by a company that’s set up another company to run it, so it gets bloney complicated, eh?

Still, at least they’ve put in a manager who’s lived in Guernsey a few years and who says he’s not going to change anything. Old Jack, he will be pleased, him, because he likes his pint to the Mermaid, eh?

I went with him and Bert a few weeks ago. It’s still nice to get off in the boat and go somewhere quiet for the day, eh? When you think, people used to say Guernsey was quiet, but with all the building going on and all the cars on the roads, those days are gone now, that’s for sure.

And do you know, it was on the news the other week how the UK is the most populated main country in Europe, with 400 people for every square kilometre. Well, I heard someone worked out that Guernsey, it’s got 900 people in the same space.

Hang, it’s no wonder you can go to Town these days and not meet anyone you know anymore, eh?

Bert was even telling me there’s so many cars, there’s only about 29ft of road for every vehicle now. And most of that is taken up by the bloney buses, eh?

Bert also said the way his wife drives, she needs her 29ft sideways, but I bet he didn’t say that to her, eh, mon vieux?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile.