Illustration by Peewee

Cher Eugene,

You know the States, they’re supposed to be saving money, them, to pay for this black hole? Well, they don’t seem to have the hang of it yet, mon vieux.

They’ve just said it will cost £85m. to repair the airport runway, but 10 months ago, the price was only £50m., eh?

And I told you they’ve started to sell off some of their buildings, even historic landmarks like the Vale Mill? Well, they got £57,000 for the mill, them, but 18 months ago they spent £100,000 repairing it, so they didn’t even get their money back there, eh?

The Public Services, they’re saying the airport runway has got serious cracks and bumps in it and repairs can’t be delayed any longer.

At least that will stop the price going up much more then, eh, Eugene?

Mind you, if it takes as long to resurface as some of the roads, it could be closed for years. And if it’s like some of the roads after they’ve been done, it could end up worse than it is now, eh?

And all that money, it’s just for repairs, mon vieux, because the airlines, they say they don’t want a longer runway, they just need a better surface.

Mind you, that hasn’t stopped the Commerce and Employment asking for a report on extending it, so that will be money spent on consultants for no reason, eh?

When you think, they said this black hole would be filled by reducing States expenditure, but there’s no sign of that happening yet, Eugene.

And it was supposed to be helped by a growth in business, but we haven’t even had a full year of the zero-10 and already that Treasury minister, he’s saying there won’t be enough growth.

You remember, I said it was suspicious when the States passed legislation to have a VAT in Guernsey, even though they said it wouldn’t be used? Caw, you don’t need an instrument landing system to see what’s coming next, eh, mon vieux?

The trouble is, the States, they’ve got a massive big list of things they want to spend money on, but with all they’ve wasted on consultants and overspends and this zero-10 idea, they haven’t got any money left to use, them.

I even heard some talking about doing more commercialisation, but I don’t see how that will make more money, Eugene. Hang, if it means we have another of those utility regulators, it will cost millions more, eh?

Do you know that regulator, he’s arranged for people to be able to keep their number if they change operator and now he wants the three telephone companies to share their technology so everyone canhave access to the same services?

I was thinking, me, if they all have the same technology, share the same masts and offer the same services, we might as well have one operator, us. We could call it Guernsey Telecoms, eh?

Talking of telephone numbers, you know there was a fuss about the people who had their money saved in that Icelandic bank?

And the chief minister, instead of going off to Iceland to sort it out, he went off to China, him?

Old Jack, he said if he navigated his boat like that, he’d have the harbourmaster withdrawing his licence, eh?

Well, he finally met the finance chief from Iceland and he said he could tell he was nice because he even gave the minister his telephone number.

Like Jack said, that’s not much use if he has his phone cut off because he can’t pay his bills, eh?

The States have come up with a scheme to protect people’s savings now, like the other countries have got, but it’s too late to help the Icelandic ones, mon vieux.

And do you know, they said it would enhance the reputation of the island as an international finance centre?

Hang, I heard a few people saying it needs to recover its reputation first, eh?

Unless it wants to be known as a centre where you put your savings in the bank and when you try to withdraw them, all you get is a phone number.

That UK Chancellor, he even stood up in the House of Commons and he told all the English MPs he was going to do a review of the offshore centres like Guernsey and Jersey, him.

And the thing is, he didn’t tell our chief minister until just a few days before, eh?

So I don’t know what good all these meetings in London have done, mon vieux. Perhaps he didn’t have our chief minister’s phone number, eh?

And the States are supposed to have their first priority to show how Guernsey is independent, but the chief minister, he wanted to sign that international agreement which says the UK can make decisions for us, without even asking, eh?

It took a lot of deputies to stop him until the States had a chance to discuss it, but it looks like the UK are doing it anyway, mon vieux.

It shows what they think of the Guernsey States, eh?

I’m going to post this letter before the States meeting, so I don’t know what will happen, me, but you know the States, mon vieux, they’ll probably just do what England says, like always, eh?

I said to Mrs Tostevin, perhaps we should announce that Guernsey will do a review of the UK finance industry to see if it meets our approval and see how they like it, eh?

Mind you, if the banks keep getting into trouble and closing offices, there won’t be a finance industry for the UK to worry about, Eugene.

They’re even saying there won’t be enough money to pay the States pension in years to come, eh?

The Social Security, they’ve sent round a questionnaire asking for ideas on what to do about it. Jack said to start with they could spend less moneysending leaflets to all the houses, eh?

There was even talk about people having to work until 70 to get their States pension.

Caw, I know Jack worked his greenhouse till he was 70, but like he says, he wouldn’t have wanted to be putting in new lights without his son to help him, eh? He said they should make people work younger, not older.

He was saying, if things get much worse, we’ll end up like the old days and instead of paying children to go to university until they’re 20, they’ll have to go to work when they’re 14.

He said it’s been on the news how there’s pirates attacking ships even in the 21st century, so if the finance industry fails, Guernsey could even resurrect one of its old industries, eh?

Then again, I’ve heard some of those depositors saying there’s piracy going on in Guernsey now, but it’s the banks doing it with our money, eh?

Anyway, I’d better send this letter before it gets mixed up in all the Christmas posting dates. I’ll try and write again soon, mon vieux.

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile.