Illustration by Peewee.

CHER Eugene,

Caw, we’ve had some good weather here lately, us. It’s really good to see the spring flowers and to hear the birds in the garden again.

Mind you, with the States, I think it’s more like chickens coming home to roost, mon vieux.

The Treasury, they’ve finally admitted their sums don’t add up and they have to find an extra £60m. in tax every year.

And you can guess where that’s coming from, eh?

They’ve already put in this toilet tax and started charging for planning applications. We’ve got postal charges going up, and the water, and now there’s talk about putting more tax on fuel and even putting up income tax, eh?

I know things start to grow in the spring, but there’s not much sign of economic growth, Eugene. It’s the bloney bills that are growing instead, eh?

And you remember they put in a law for VAT but they wouldn’t need to use it? Well, you can guess what’s likely to happen there as well. Only they’re calling it a general sales tax to make people think it’s different from VAT.

Jack says they’re trying every idea to get more money out of the ordinary Guernseyman.

The only thing they haven’t done yet is reinvent a window tax.

Caw, that’s not such a bad idea, Eugene. They could fill the black hole with money just from those Admiral Park offices, eh?

You remember, when the States brought in this zero-10 tax idea, they made all these promises about how it would be good for Guernsey, eh?

It was going to encourage businesses to set up in Guernsey, it would be paid for by economic growth in just a few years, and Guernsey would be a prosperous low-tax finance centre.

Jack says it’s not so much chickens, it’s more like flying pigs that are coming home to roost, eh?

But that chief minister, he still says everything’s going to be fine, him. Then again, he brought in the zero-10 so he has to say that, eh?

And he’s the one who keeps signing agreements to keep the UK Government happy. He says it gives Guernsey a good reputation as a well-regulated, independent low-tax jurisdiction, but there’s not much sign of that either, Eugene.

There’s a group of 20 big countries want to clamp down on tax havens and they say that includes Guernsey. There’s even some saying the island could be put on a black list and the finance industry closed down.

Mind you, they’re probably too late, them. I mean, the banks are closing themselves down and the way things are going, Guernsey won’t be a low-tax jurisdiction much longer, at least, not for the ordinary Guernseyman, eh?

It seems to me in a few years’ time Guernsey will be able to complain about the UK being a low-tax area and put them on some sort of black list.

And do you know, even with all their proposed increases, the States still won’t have enough to pay for all the projects they should have done years ago, like the runway and the waste treatment and all that?

Now they’re even suggesting they could borrow something like £175m. to pay for them. But how are they going to pay that back, mon vieux, if they can’t balance the books now, eh?

Everyone says this credit crunch was caused by people borrowing more than they could afford to pay back, eh?

Perhaps the States want to show Guernsey’s independent by having a credit crunch all of their own. Caw, you can almost hear more chickens in the distance, eh?

You have to wonder about this new machinery of government, Eugene. I mean, it was supposed to be all modern and streamlined and good at planning for the future, but they just spend their time fire-fighting, them.

And they’re not very good at that, when you look at the Mont Cuet tip, eh?

Bert, from L’Ancresse, he says they’ve laid a fire main across the common from the Vale Pond to put out the fire.

Caw, I hope it’s better than the one to St Sampson’s harbour or the common will get flooded and the fire will be going for years, eh?

He said someone should have poured cold water on some of these States ideas instead because they never seem to turn out the way they promise, eh?

You remember their business plan, it was supposed to set a blueprint for the future?

Well, that didn’t last long, and now they’ve decided to delay a debate on a new one.

And that big prioritisation debate, to work out which of their big projects to do first, they’ve put that back as well, them.

Things must be bad if even their prioritisation debate isn’t a priority any more, eh?

The trouble is, the first priority on their business plan was to show that Guernsey is independent from other jurisdictions, but they’re doing just the opposite, eh?

I mean, it’s been on the news how the UK Government is going to keep a database of everyone who goes in or out of the UK, even English families going abroad for their holidays. And people in their pleasure boats as well, eh?

Well, do you know, the Home Department, it sneaked the same law into the latest Billet d’Etat so it would apply to Guernsey as well?

I was saying to Jack, the UK can make rules for people going to their country if they like, but I’m Guernsey, me, and if I want to go to Jersey or France for the day, I don’t see why I should ask permission from a bloney States department.

Hang, we thought we’d got rid of that with the end of the Occupation, eh?

Some of the lads to the slip, they were saying boatowners will have to fill in forms and give 24 hours’ notice just to go out for a day trip.

If people need permission to go to Herm for a drink in the evening, they’d have to catch Jack on his way over to Herm because he wouldn’t be in a fit state to give any details when he came back, eh?

I said there’s still kids who go jumping off the sea walls when it’s high tide in the summer, like we used to, eh?

If these rules get as silly as the health and safety, they’ll have to give 24 hours’ notice and fill in loads of forms too, because some States department will decide when the kids jump off a rock, they’re leaving Guernsey, eh?

There’s only one good thing about it all, Eugene. If it turns out like the promises they made when they introduced the zero-10, and when they wrote the business plan, and when they said they’d cut States expenditure, well, it will probably never happen, eh?

I was chatting to Mrs Tostevin, from the stores, and I said the States members could enter their plans in the public speaking competition in the Eisteddfod next year. In the section for works of fiction, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile.