(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,

Well, mon vieux, all that panic about being on a black list of tax havens, it didn’t turn out so bad after all, eh?  Mind you, that chief minister, he was signing agreements right up to the last minute, him.

Caw, he was going round countries faster than rumours spread in Torteval, eh?

He said it was a good day for Guernsey when it got on that white list because it will encourage businesses and investments and all that to come here. But we heard all that before, us, when they put in that zero-10, eh? And all we’ve seen is banks closing down. And taking depositors’ money with them, eh?

And do you know, it was on the Press how the UK Government knew something about that Icelandic bank before it went bust, but they didn’t tell the authorities in Guernsey?

Caw, when you think, the UK keeps saying they want co-operation and they don’t like secrecy, but they only want it one way, eh?

Old Jack Torode, he said it was probably deliberate, to try and get us a bad name. After all, that UK prime minister doesn’t like us, and now we’re on the white list he has to get us a different way, eh?

But it’s been like that for a few years, mon vieux. When the UK says about co-operation it just means they want Guernsey to do everything they say.

And there’s some States members who just do it, eh?

I told you about these border controls and how they want details of everyone going in and out of the islands?

Well, on the Press it said Guernsey is ready to sign an agreement with the UK over that as well. Caw, someone should take the pen away from that chief minister before he becomes addicted, eh?

There’s one agreement that’s ended, mon vieux, and that’s the reciprocal health agreement. So even if we go to Poole or Weymouth we need travel insurance now in case we get ill, eh?

Mind you, we’ll still get treated in an English A&E department for free if we have an accident. Then again, from what I’ve heard about waiting times in those places, you either die or get better before anyone sees you, eh?

I don’t really see a problem with needing insurance, me. After all, we’re not part of the UK, us. But the States should remember that when it comes to jobs, and with all the people being laid off it’s the Guernseyman who should have the jobs first, eh?

I mean, they’ve just admitted the population in the island is nearly 62,000. And that’s just the ones they know about, Eugene.

We all know if we go to Town now we hardly hear any patois spoken, but Jack says he’s been to some restaurants lately where he’s hardly heard English spoken, eh?

You remember, when the population got to 50,000 we thought it was too much and the States weren’t going to let it get much higher, eh? Then it was going to stay at 60,000. It’s like the budget estimates on their building projects, eh?

Now the local building firms want the States to keep going with big projects because their tradesmen haven’t got much work.

Caw, they hadn’t better tell Mrs Tostevin, to the stores. She had real problems last year, her, trying to get a plumber to look at her radiator.

They were all busy on offices and hotel conversions and no one wanted the little jobs, eh?

She says just wait for one of them to come round now and ask if she wants a tap washer fixed. She’ll show them how to use a sink plunger, eh?

The trouble is, the States haven’t got any money for big projects, mon vieux. I told you the Treasury and Resources want to borrow £175m., them?

Well, it seems the States are going to let them do it, but they want to put a limit on any borrowing of £300m.

Jack wondered why they’d give them more than they asked for. But I suppose they’re allowing for the overspend in advance to save the embarrassment of another debate in the future, eh?

There’s still some States members saying they don’t agree with borrowing, mind, and it would be better if they did internal borrowing.

I’ve never heard of that, me, but it won’t mean the States members digging into their own pockets for the money, that’s for sure.

There’ll be a lot of building work going on to Leale’s Yard if the developers get their way, but that’s a private company, not the States, eh?

There’s going to be a huge shopping centre, and loads of houses, and offices and all that.

But it’s been designed by a UK architect, so it will probably be all concrete and glass like that Admiral Park. There it is again, why can’t they get a Guernsey architect to draw up something, eh?

When you think, there’s a chance there for a real Guernsey centre with local shops, and perhaps some French ones, and even a real market for fruit and fish again, eh?

But they’ll just fill it with English shops, so it will look just like any English town, and it will probably be English firms doing the building as well, mon vieux.

Caw, they might as well ask Gordon Brown what he thinks, eh?

I suppose the only work for locals will be for advocates when there’s a court case on the overspending on contracts, eh?

There’s already some people saying there will be traffic chaos with such a big development, but it seems a bit early to say that even before the plans have been released, eh?

Then again, the States can put just one school in the wrong place and cause traffic chaos, eh?

I said to Jack, if it gets really bad for traffic, they could alter that St Sampson’s Marina because the quickest way to get to the new development will be by boat.

Mind you, anyone from Sark might have problems coming by boat unless something gets sorted, Eugene.

The Chief Pleas, they’re talking about stopping the Brecqhou boats delivering building materials into their harbour because it’s only Sark Shipping that’s got a licence.

But at the same time, they’re having a dispute with Sark Shipping and refusing to pay their bills. So they could end up with no boats at all, eh?

The strange thing is, it’s Sark who owns the Sark Shipping, so it’s Chief Pleas having a dispute with themselves.

Caw, that sort of in-fighting is good enough for the Guernsey States, eh?

Perhaps that’s the sort of thing that happens with internal borrowing, Eugene.

They borrow money from themselves, and then in order to pay it back they borrow the same amount from themselves again, so the money just goes round in circles. That’s what the banks do, eh?

I suppose it could make the economy look good, mon vieux. We could even end up on some sort of gold list. Caw, that would make the UK prime minister cross, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile