(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,

I thought of you when I was to the Viaer Marchi this week, Eugene. Caw, you would have liked the beanjar, mon vieux, and the gache, it was better than you can buy to the shops, that’s for sure.

There was even Prince Edward and his wife there this year. They did a royal visit to Guernsey, them, eh? They landed by helicopter to that new school to Les Nicolles and unveiled a plaque.

I was thinking, these royal visits, they have timetables planned down to the minute, eh? I suppose that’s why they landed by helicopter, them. They would have had to cancel all their other engagements if they’d tried to get to the school by car, eh?

It’s a shame they didn’t have really hot weather, like we had to the end of June, us.

I don’t know what it was like on your side of the world, mon vieux, but we had some really hot sun here, eh?

The Board of Heath, they were issuing warnings about it. They even told the elderly they should wear light clothing, stay out of the hot sun, and not be too energetic.

Jack Torode, he said most of the elderly have lived through more hot summers than they have, so perhaps the Board of Health wouldn’t be £8m. short if they didn’t waste money stating the bloney obvious, eh?

For all this talk about saving money there’s not much sign of it, Eugene.

Even the St Peter Port constables, they wanted to spend £2.5m. building a new constables office, them. And do you know, they were going to put it up to Les Cotils?

Hang, there’s already people saying Town is dying with all the empty shops. If the constables want to move their office out as well, it doesn’t look good, eh?

I heard they put up the rates to pay for it even before they had permission, so when they had their parish meeting, well, the parishioners, they told them what they thought about that, eh?

Sometimes when people try and push things through, they need to remember why Guernseymen are called donkeys, eh, mon vieux?

And I told you the Treasury wanted to borrow hundreds of millions of pounds to pay for all the capital projects, eh?

Well, that deputy from the Vale, the new one, he won with his plan instead, him. He said it means we won’t be paying off interest for years to come, but some of the big projects might have to be delayed for two years. Well, with States projects that’s nothing new, eh?

Now that Treasury minister, he’s said he might not stand for the States at the next election. There’s a few people think that would be a shame, mon vieux.

And after all, if he’s lost a couple of votes, he could just do what the Public Services do with their incinerator, eh? Keep coming back with the same plan in a different disguise until everyone gets fed up or totally confused. And with States members, neither of those is very difficult, eh?

The Public Services, they still want their big waste plant, them, but they’re saying it’s not an incinerator anymore, eh?

They’re calling it an integrated modular facility, combining materials recovery, energy-from-waste and bottom ash processing.

Jack said his Dad had one of those in his front room, but he called it a coal fire, eh?

They’ve produced a drawing of how it will look, and you wouldn’t believe the lovely whitewashed building, Eugene.

It’s on a beautiful grassy field, with the sun shining and the birds singing, and there’s not a lorry or a smoking chimney or a pile of rubbish in sight.

Hang, the only thing missing is a children’s playground and Adam and Eve in the background, eh? It seems to me if they can depict an incinerator like that, they should go into estate agency, mon vieux.

They’re still saying it’s better than the other ideas because it’s a tried and tested solution and it will last for 25 years.

But then they’ve said the suppliers, they’ll only give a warranty of two years. Hang, my lawnmower’s got a longer guarantee than that, and it didn’t cost £93m, mon vieux.

There’s still a few people saying we should export waste to Jersey, after all, the combined population is only like two small towns and they don’t both need a big incinerator, them.

That would be good, Eugene, because when you think, any pollution would either be on the Crapauds or would blow to France where they’ve got Flamanville already, eh?

The trouble with all these things is the committees don’t listen to the locals, Eugene, they always think English consultants know best.

Do you know they spent £1m. on consultancy over extending the safety zones at the end of the runway?

They went through all sorts of ideas, them. There was even one idea to move the whole runway to the west so they wouldn’t need any extra space at the east end.

I said to Jack, it would be just like the States to do that, and then realise the new airport terminal was in the wrong place, eh?

But when they had a public meeting, a local pilot told them there’s a special sort of concrete now, which slows down any plane that overshoots, and it would be cheaper and would save having to extend the runway so much.

It seems it’s full of empty holes and crumples if there’s a problem. A bit like the States, eh?

But it’s the same old story, Eugene, they haven’t got it in England, so the Public Services say the CAA might not like it. But they use it in America and Europe, and planes from the UK fly to those places, so I don’t see the difference, me.

And we’re supposed to be showing Guernsey’s independent, eh? But then, that sometimes needs independent thought, and that’s a problem for the States, eh?

Talking of flying, our teams flew off to the Island Games a week ago, and they did really well, mon vieux.

The relay team, they even managed to go fast enough to qualify for the Commonwealth Games, so that was good, eh?

I was thinking, it’s a good job they didn’t ask the States to do the relay.

Caw, the way they change their minds and keep reporting back, they’d probably drop the baton at every stage, and then each runner would go back and start again with a different one, eh?

I’ll write to you again soon, mon vieux.

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile