Illustration by Peewee

CHER Eugene,

Caw, I don’t know where the times goes these days, me. It will be October already by the time this letter gets to you, eh? We had some really good weather in September, us, just like summers in Guernsey used to be, eh?

I don’t know what it’s like on your side of the world, mon vieux, but I was thinking, if this is global warming, I’m all for it, me.

There’s some people saying the seasons are getting all mixed up these days. I don’t know if that’s true, but the Press printed a Christmas supplement in August, eh?

It’s been a good summer for Guernsey in sport as well, Eugene. I suppose it goes some way to making up for the Muratti, eh?

We had that Guernsey girl win the girls US open in tennis, it was in the papers everywhere, eh?

Then two swimmers managed to swim across the Channel. And there was even one, he did this kitesurfing all the way from Alderney to Poole.

I said to Jack Torode, I’m not too too sure what this kitesurfing is, me, but it comes to something when the fares are so high you have to get across the Channel like that, eh?

Mind you, the way things are going, everything will be going up in price soon, Eugene, because that Treasury one, he’s said the island’s running out of money, and something’s got to be done.

But there’s been two big reports, both saying the States are disorganised and are wasting money. One even said the States were dysfunctional. Old Jack, he said he agreed, but he’d use a different word, him, eh?

The latest report even tells the States they could save about £70m. in five years, and £53m. would be just from sorting themselves out and stopping duplication. That’s a hang of a lot of saving, eh?

The report gave 107 recommendations for how the States could improve and save money, but they’d have to make difficult decisions and cut costs. And that’s the trouble, Eugene – the States, they’re not very good at that, them.

After all, never mind the good of the island, the States members don’t want to do anything that might affect their chances at the next election, eh?

I said to Jack, even if the States agreed with the recommendations, they’d still have to find a way of implementing them.

So they’d probably blow all the savings on more consultants to tell them how to do it. And when you look at how long it takes them to make one decision, like the incinerator or the airport runway, hang, 107 decisions will take forever. The island will be bankrupt before then, eh?

Even now that Treasury one, he’s said the States can only afford eight new projects next year, instead of the 60 they wanted. He’s put a list together, him, but it seems to me, they’re still wasting money and duplicating things, mon vieux.

I mean, one of them is to spend £800,000 over four years just to join a huge UK database of people who have contact with children. And all because of something that happened in the UK, not in Guernsey.

And the thing is, they’ve said 5,000 States employees will have to go on it, as well as people who help out with youth groups.

I said to Jack, you’d think the States would know about their own civil servants, as well as the people who run local clubs, eh? He said if they don’t know, they just have to ask Mrs Goupillot, to Perelle, because she knows about everyone, eh?

And another of their plans is to change the name of the Customs to the Guernsey Border Agency, so that will be a lot of money on new letterheads and signs, like when the States did their departments, eh?

And they’re supposed to be making things in the States more streamlined, but the new border agency will report to the Law Enforcement Agency, whatever that is. And that will report to the Home Department. And that will report to the States. I said to Jack, if they had a powerboat as streamlined as that, it wouldn’t even keep up with the old Fermain boats, eh?

And they’re even saying they want to spend £200,000 every year setting up an office in Brussels to deal with the European Union.

Caw, I wonder if that will mean the chief minister doesn’t get his trips to these parliamentary meetings and political conferences, mon vieux?

I have to say, I don’t see the European Union does anything for Guernsey, except make rules that don’t fit here, but then, they don’t understand how Guernsey works, eh?

Jack says they’re just jealous, them, and some of them probably don’t even know where Guernsey is. He said if they’re worried about Guernsey, they could spend money setting up an EU office in the island to find out, instead of the other way round.

Anyway, I’m going to the stores now and get this in the post. It’s a good job it’s only a letter, Eugene, because I saw on the Press the latest date for posting Christmas parcels to your side of the world is already gone.

Caw, how can it take from September to Christmas to get a parcel there? It seems to me it could go by kitesurfer quicker than that, eh?

I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but as soon as the shows are over and the schools go back, we suddenly seem to be into autumn, us, and there’s Christmas things in the shops even before budloe night, eh?

Talking of the shows, you know that Miss Guernsey competition has been held to the Beaulieu for the last few years? Well, the one who organised it, he’s left, him, and he says he’s going to hold it somewhere else. But the hotel says it’s still going to organise the competition in the hotel.

Jack said he wouldn’t mind going to two Miss Guernsey competitions, but that’s just him, eh?

They could even have a winner from each one, and then a play-off for the overall winner. He said whatever happens, the new Miss Guernsey will almost certainly get more votes than that chief minister got in the election, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile