Crystal ball gazing spies a more farcical future
Tuesday 12th January 2010, 3:30PM GMT.
LAST week I made some serious predictions about the year ahead for Guernsey and its government. This week I thought it was time to do a bit of crystal ball gazing, with my tongue firmly in my cheek.
If any of these flippant predictions actually come true, it will just show that truth is stranger than fiction.
Here are the headlines…
January
Deputy Sam Maindonald is pulled gasping for air after going under at Beau Sejour swimming pool – the Pensioners’ Association claims responsibility.
February
Deputy Dave Jones blasts UK party politics and the EU. ‘They’re both rotten to the core,’ says the feisty deputy. His remarks come en route from a UKIP conference to his second home in France.
March
Rodney Brouard offers to turn our waste into gold, thus filling the black hole while scrapping income tax. It can all be done using alchemy and homeopathic processes, he insists. The well-known businessman denies rumours that he wants to stand for the States.
April
Home minister Geoff Mahy is blasted by his own department. A police traffic sergeant asks, ‘Doesn’t he know how dangerous it is to always be in the middle of the road?’
May
There are reports that the chief minister has been spotted in the island. These are dismissed as ‘mere speculation’ by a Policy Council spokesman. ‘In actual fact he has been working very hard at a crucial international symposium in Thimpu,’ said the official. ‘Leaders of the world’s smaller nations have been discussing how to standardise international glove sizes – it’s vital Guernsey’s voice is heard to raise our profile.’
June
As the firefighters’ agreement breaks down and the airport closes again, G-Can calls for the closure to be made permanent and thelanding strip turned into allotments.
The ‘Guernsey boys’ demolish Frossard House overnight. ‘We couldn’t allow that eyesore to just sit there month after month,’ says spokesman Rodney Brouard. ‘What would the visitors think?’ He later denies that he is planning to stand for election.
July
Deputy Carla McNulty Bauer goes missing. The States receives a threatening ransom demand from the Pensioners’ Association. The House votes 39-6 not to pay it due to ‘spending constraints’.
August
The States go on a long summer holiday – the island runs very smoothly.
Shock headlines in the local media. ‘It’s summer and the weather has got very hot’. Even more amazing – ‘During the heatwave beach kiosks have sold lots of ice creams’.
There are plans for a ‘unification bout’ to decide on the real Miss Guernsey after three beauties are crowned at competing events.
September
Deputy Francis Quin goes vegetarian, orders The Guardian and promotes gay tourism. The X-Files body-snatching team is brought in to investigate.
October
Like all consultants, the body-snatching team suggests an ongoing programme of work for the States. The offer is urgently taken up when Deputy Mary Lowe starts ‘stressing the positives’ and Deputy Mark Dorey says, ‘Never mind the research, go with your gut feeling’.
November
PAC decides to probe States’ spending on consultants. The committee commissions consultants to carry out the work. (Blast, that really did happen last year.)
Deputies Garrett and Paint are warned by the Bailiff to stop wasting the States’ time with so many long speeches.
December
As they leave the chamber for the Christmas recess, the chief minister says, ‘after you, Mr Bailiff’.
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Funny, clever and witty and in so few words too!
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Here are few predictions for Peter Roffey in 2010.
It is expected that Mr Roffey will continue in 2010 to write the longest political manifesto in Guernsey’s history. His agent remarked that having the opportunity to get your political message across using a regular column in the only newspaper in the island is a real coup. Although Mr Bonkers Peters agent, admitted most of what he writes is nonsense he observed that at least his column was in good company with many other manifestos. More meaty stuff in 2010 we suspect.
Peter’s acute selective memory syndrome of his time in government will continue to plague him in 2010; he is reported to be seeking treatment for it by using a truth serum. Sources close to H&SSD have said from past experience this will only result in a little prick.
Mr Roffey will continue to be Guernsey’s fountain of all knowledge, although some of the liquid brown stuff from this fountain could leak into the water table, PSD have been put on alert. A spokesman for the Water Board said “we were expecting more of this” “unfortunately this is a particularly virulent strain of brown stuff and we are all very worried”
Rumour has it that his directorship of the Channel Island Co-op is allegedly the driving force behind the decline in standards in many of the local Co-op stores, lack lustre veg being their biggest loss leader, steps however are being taken this year to get strawberries to last nearly a whole day before succumbing to mould and having to be binned, a determined effort under his leadership will be made to get more than 3 out of 5 checkouts open on any given day. Unswerving efforts are also to be made to de-ice the car parks before paid parking is introduced for shoppers.
Reports are already starting to filter out that Mr Roffey will continue to try and run the H&SSD from his office at the Guernsey Press using the tried and tested method of manipulating at least one gullible and life long disciple on the Health board that Peter still knows best. The new chief executive so it is rumoured, is expected to report to Mr Roffey every month and if anything is kept from him, he has already stated that he is confidant it will be leaked.
In the forthcoming ego competition he is predicted to win again this year, competitors are already talking about it being a landslide victory for Mr Roffey taking the cup again. One judge from last year said “it is difficult to find anyone on the Island with a bigger ego than Peter, we did have hopes for the Chief Minister but sadly up close there is simply no comparison.
Later in 2010 an attempt will be made to open a vegetarian restaurant, rumoured to be called PR’s.
On the menu will be lots of dishes related to the owners personality, there will I am told be NUT lasagne, Superior cheese bake with a condescending sauce, Drivel and custard pudding and the house speciality, Vegetable bean Jar with hairy-ego beans. Dress code will be a tee shirt with I love PR on it, woolly hat and sandals. The whine will be provided by the host.
If the restaurant project fails, there could be an industry in manufacturing white flags, one States member has been drawing quite heavily on his supply of them in recent times, running them up the pole at every opportunity when things get a tad difficult. Some feel there might be a business opportunity here for the Co-op. Mr Roffey is reported to be looking forward to the results of a white flag waving survey early next month.
I’m bored now
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Yes. Nice one Peter
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Why has an email sent to all 47 States members yesterday written by the Housing Minister appeared here on your shout under the pseudonym of M Taking, c’mon Dave come clean!
BB.
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Barry Its a spoof just like the original artical from Peter, get with programme old boy.
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Dave
spoof? just like the original? I dont think so, but whatever it is please in the future use your real name. I find it genuinley confusing when people slip between pseudonym and self, if you have written something amusing, entertaining, laugh out loud funny, then take credit for it.
Without (hopefully) sounding too self righteous I think its important that elected representatives play it straight on forums such as this, but anyway thats your judgment call,
BB.
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Dave has a point about the strawberries. I can barely get them to my car!
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Barry you are not very good at this are you? I thought you were brighter than that, anyone looking at the Gravatar would have seen it was mine from the get go.
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shame that it comes across as rather bitter and humourless. it probably worked better within the confines of the States email system, rather than here in public.
and I am not sure that it is good form for a States deputy to be criticising a key local business in an attempt to make a supposedly funny public attack on a political (if currently unelected) rival.
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It’s not so much a spoof as an all out attack.
Although there is a tiny hint of something with ‘hairy-ego beans’. Just. If you squint whilst internalising it.
The Satire Satyr awards:
0.5 out of ten.
Better than nought.
WAO! What is it good for!?
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TL
On your first point, you may be right.
Secondly why not? I am a shareholder in the Co-op, surly it is right on occasions to have a dig at poor service and poor produce directed at one of the local directors. As for being humourless that is not the opinion of many who have responded to me privately. Peter has the whole circulation of the only paper in the island to ridicule states members on a regular basis, sometimes we do the same to those who write for the press and Peter gets paid for it, I offered my tongue in cheek response completely free of charge. If you are brave enough to give it, then you ought to be brave enough to accept it. Peter used to write for GAP (remember that Mag) so he knows very well how these things work.
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Dave Jones
It really does appear that you’ve got too much time on your hands, you must spend an enormous amount of hours posting on this site.
Haven’t you got any property you could be developing?
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Phil
Not any more.
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Dave jones\micheal taking
Glad to see you have used your political spat with peter roffey to have a go at the co-op and the folks who work hard there. if you have a problem with service in the co-op take it up with the manager. you’ve just shown everyone what little class you have by taking cheapshots. the staff and the shareholders of the co-op have nothing whatsoever to do with the ongoing “barney your having with ex deputy roffey so leave them out of it. i’m no fan of Peter Roffey but you really are sinking to new depths.
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I might add that there are 24 hours in a day, like many people I sleep for about 7 of them, which leaves 17 hours for my States work and other things. I have been in my office for an hour already this morning working on my PC papers so you shouldn’t feel short changed about my time.
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Now there’s a worthy front page headline
‘ DEPUTY DAVE JONES CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT ‘
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Dave Jones:
No sympathy from me for the time you spend at work. All you’ve done is joined the club that I’m also a member of – oh, except, you get paid more than I do, and apparently it’s ok for you to be web surfing and posting on threads like this while you’re in the office.
Get back to work man.
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Truth man – did you wait til 17.01pm on purpose to make that post?
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Thank goodness there is one sensible man on the island!
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Auntie GP:
Very amusing! But no, was not intentional.
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