Illustration by Peewee.

CHER Eugene, you know I told you about those reviews on the machinery of government, mon vieux? Well, there’s been more since, eh? There’s been one on the offshore finance centres by the UK Government and another one on the banking industry in Guernsey.

And there’s a review of the post office, and the buses and the airport firefighters’ dispute as well. And now the Policy Council wants to review the role of the Law Officers in the States. Caw, it’s no wonder they never get anything done, mon vieux, they’re so busy getting reviews they don’t have time to do anything the reviews recommend, eh?

It won’t be long before someone says they need to do a review of all the reviews, eh?

There was even a review from the UK Government that said Guernsey should introduce VAT. Hang, we don’t need anyone to tell the States to do that, they’ve put up taxes enough already, eh?

But one thing they did when they discussed their review of spending was give the Policy Council more powers.

There’s some saying that’s bad, mon vieux, because it means Guernsey’s getting a cabinet type of government instead of a consensus one.

Mind you, there’s others saying they don’t care what type of government it is, it would just be nice to have one that works, eh?

But there’s even a few deputies now think the Policy Council is getting a bit too big for its boots, Eugene, and we’ve heard that chief minister going on before about how he should represent Guernsey, him, eh?

I heard there was even a fuss to the war memorial on Remembrance Day, about whether the Bailiff and Law Officers should lay their wreaths before the States representatives.

Caw, you’d think they’d have bigger things to worry about, eh, mon vieux? And when you think, they’re there to honour the fallen in all the conflicts, not to start a new one, eh?

They haven’t been able to have their normal services to the Town Church because it’s being repaired, but it wouldn’t look good if they got to the door on Remembrance Sunday and they were fighting see who got in the front pew, eh?

It’s taken almost a year to do the repairs to the Town Church, Eugene. Mick from Fermain, he was saying they’d asked the ratepayers to pay extra to cover the costs but because it was so much they spread it over two years.

Some people thought the whole island should be asked to contribute, because it’s the Town Church and it’s an important landmark, but I said to him if I lived in Town I’d want a say in what happened, me. Otherwise it might end up like the Markets, eh?

Talking of the Markets, Mick said there was some sort of talk about whether they should put something on one of the stone plinths, like that one in Trafalgar Square.

I said to Mick, they’d better think of something fast, before that chief minister gets to hear there’s an empty place for a statue, eh?

There’s repairs needed to the Town Arsenal as well now, where the fire station is to, eh?

Mick said that’s a States property, so perhaps it’s true when they say the whole States structure is crumbling.

The Environment, they want permission to take down two chimneys because they’re not safe any more. That shouldn’t cost too too much, mon vieux, after all, they can just get the fire brigade to use one of their big ladders and do the job in a few minutes, eh?

The trouble is, they’d probably need one of these health and safety risk assessments and a dozen official forms to fill in.

They could save the trouble and just wait for more high winds, mon vieux, because if they fall down they’d call the fire brigade anyway, eh?

We had some real gales the other week, us, and there were trees down all over the island. Caw, I don’t know how the bottom greenhouse stayed up, Eugene. And the rain, it was coming down like stair rods.

Jack’s grandson wanted to go off to the Model Yacht Pond with his boat and I said he could use my catchpit, there’s enough water in there for a couple of submarines, eh?

I said to Jack, at least he plays with the good old toys and not all these computer games and mobile phones and that.

Mind you, Jack said later his youngster was asking what stair rods were. Caw, there’s a sign of the times, eh?

Talking of youngsters, they had some young people helping to clean up the St Paul’s sunken garden the other week because it was looking a mess after a lot of youngsters kept congregating there.

I wonder if some of the mess was broken jurats’ hats and bits of wreaths from a fight at the war memorial, eh?

But when you think, it’s a good idea to get some youngsters to help like that, Eugene, because they’re not all bad, eh? I’ve said before, they should get some of these vandals to repair the damage they cause.

Mind you, it wouldn’t work with States members, they just cause damage to the island and then decide not to stand at the next election, eh?

Anyway, I’d better get this in the post now, mon vieux, because I don’t know what all the dates are for sending post at Christmas. I told you they started all their Christmas things in the shops months ago, even before Budloe night, eh?

Mick said they should wait until that Tennerfest is over, because that’s supposed to happen in the shoulder months and there would be plenty of time for Christmas after that.

I said to him, if that UK review gets its way, they’ll have to call it the TennerplusVATfest next year, eh?

He said it’s about time we stood up to the UK Government and all their reviews. Perhaps we should turn the tables and do a review of the UK economy, without asking them, just like they did to Guernsey, eh?

Then if that chief minster wants to feel important, he could go and tell the results to the UK prime minister. Caw, instead of a statue he might find his head on a pole at the end of London Bridge, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile