Illustration by Peewee

From a petit train to petty politics, there’s much to look forward to in 2010, says Neil Ross’s Emile, in his annual predictions…

January

The year starts with complaints from all the groups that put on pantomimes, eh? They say audience numbers are down from previous years, them. But it’s not caused by the credit crunch. It turns out that audiences have been going for bigger laughs to the airport firefighters’ tribunal, eh?

* Following the rejection by the English Supreme Court, the appeal by the Brecqhou brothers against the Sark constitution is heard in the European Court of Human Rights. The judges say they keep up with the news in the Channel Islands because they watch Channel TV every night, but they’ve never heard of Guernsey, them, so they dismiss the appeal. The brothers say they will appeal to the European Commission next.

* There’s a question in the States about the money that went missing from the Customs shed, because it’s four years now, eh? The Home Department, they say the UK police force that’s looking into it hasn’t found anyone yet, but they haven’t given up and the file is still open. Later, the UK force admits the file is still open on who killed Lord Nelson at Trafalgar as well.

February

The Public Services, they reject claims by the Civil Aviation Authority that Guernsey’s runway is breaking up and is full of bumps and hollows. They say it’s up to the same standard as any of the resurfaced roads in the island, eh?

* The Emergency Powers Authority admit they’ve made another sudden purchase without time to seek approval from the States. This time it’s Le Petit Train, which will go round Town in the summer. They agree that it wasn’t a real emergency, but since they already subsidise a bus company and own an airline and two ships, they thought a train would complete a full set.

* The traditional football match between the States members and the members of the Royal Court is cancelled this year and replaced by a game of quoits. A leaked email to the Guernsey Press later reveals an agreement between the two sides that the winners will lay their wreaths first on Remembrance Day.

March

The States meeting on the incinerator, it turns into a right mess, eh? Some States members admit they didn’t really understand the technology involved in the original proposal, and now there’s a sursis against an amendment to the requete on delaying the signing of a contract. A secret survey shows most don’t even understand the voting process any more, eh?

* A deputy from St Sampson’s, he says any incinerator should be moved to Sir Charles Frossard House. He says it would save transport and recycling costs. After all, the building’s already full of hot air, and most of the island’s rubbish emanates from there in the first place, eh?

l It’s revealed in this month’s Billet that attempts by Treasury and Resources to raise taxes on bigger vehicles by taxing the number of wheels has led to big errors in their budget forecasts. It turns out a civil servant calculated that every 4×4 must have 16 wheels.

April

The airport firefighters’ tribunal announces its conclusion this month and says the PSRC was right to resign. It recommends a new body to deal with States workers’ pay negotiations. But to save money it could be made up of just two people: the chief minister and the editor of the Guernsey Press, eh?

* A Guernsey grower suggests an alternative to the expensive safety extensions to the airport runway. He says if they leave the dip in the runway where it is, and just fill it with water, it could act as a watersplash and slow down any planes that overshoot, eh?

* There’s a new petrol bomb scare to the prison this month. But the substances found are only drinks containers lobbed over the fence from that pedestrian safety group’s new walk to the school. However, analysts later say the coloured chemicals in the drinks were more dangerous than anything the prisoners could smuggle in, eh?

May

The Public Accounts Committee go the States this month, them, with a special request for £250,000. It’s for a tribunal of inquiry to find out why the airport firefighters’ tribunal went over budget.

* That French market from Normandy comes over to the islands for Liberation weekend and the St Peter Port shops complain again. They threaten to send the Guernsey market to Normandy to show the French how it feels. But their plan backfires when they realise they haven’t got a market to send any more, eh?

* The European Commission announces its decision on the appeal by Brecqhou against Sark’s unelected officials. They say the European Commission itself consists of unelected members, so they can’t see the problem, them, and dismiss the case. Brecqhou says it won’t let matters lie, and it will go to the European Parliament itself.

* The Environment Department, they’re really pleased, them, because figures released this month show the amount of paper recycled in Guernsey reaches a record high. The recycling firm says it appears to be the result of a lot of torn-up contracts with incinerator suppliers.

June

The medical officer of health says now the summer’s here the threat of a swine flu pandemic has passed, so there’s no need for vaccinations any more. At the end of the month the last batch of swine flu vaccine finally arrives in the island.

* There’s more moans this month about the Privy Council delaying laws sent to them for approval. The Guernsey Boys, who cleared up the car park to Cobo, they say the Policy Council should rename itself the Privy Council, and then Guernsey could approve its own bloney laws, eh?

* There’s a baby seal found abandoned by its mother at the end of the month, and the animal charity says it needs to go to a sanctuary in the UK. To avoid the problems last time when the seal needed a passport, they send the seal by ferry to St Malo, and then by road to Calais, and then through the Channel Tunnel. They say it’s easy to get into the UK without a passport that way, eh?

July

The chief minister receives an award for his world travels to promote the island of Guernsey. But it’s not from the parliamentary group or the Policy Council. It’s from the Air Miles company for the member who’s collected the highest number, eh?

* The HSSD minister tells this month’s States meeting that he still can’t get the department to stay in budget. He says his department has prioritised everything like it normally does, but he’s had to take on more civilian and administration staff to deal with the longer waiting lists caused when they reduced the number of nurses and closed some of the wards.

* Following the MOH’s report last month, there’s reports of an online auction website offering a bulk lot of swine flu vaccine from an anonymous body in the Channel Islands. Suspicions are aroused when the same site offers for sale an unwanted contract with a big company for a waste to energy plant.

August

There’s another row with local hotels over the Miss Guernsey competition, and the contest is cancelled for another year, eh? When he hears that the current post holder will hold the position unelected for yet another year, the chief minister straight away applies to enter the next competition.

* The consultation on the future of town planning says there’s a suggestion to put houses and parking to the south of Town, and to move the shopping further north. A further consultation shows that if the shopping is moved even further to the north, it could occupy a space that’s waiting for development. It’s called Leale’s Yard, eh?

* There’s the same old complaints this month about cruise liner passengers just getting in buses and going round the coast road without stopping in St Peter Port. But when locals start doing the same, they realise it’s because the Pubic Services have closed the Grange and other roads in Town in the height of the summer, and the coast road is the only one open without diversions, eh?

September

The European Parliament delivers its verdict on the Brecqhou appeal against the court’s rejection of their case against Sark. The Europeans say they know the UK doesn’t really want to be in Europe, and Guernsey doesn’t really want to be in the UK, and Sark doesn’t really doesn’t want to be run by Guernsey, so why should they be interested, them? When they dismiss the appeal, the Brecqhou brothers say they will take the case to the United Nations.

* That utility regulator, he says there needs to be competition in the postal market. So he’s decided to let the bus company compete in the postal service, eh? To make things fair, the post office will be allowed to compete in running buses. The post office says its vans will be smaller and cheaper than the big buses, and will take passengers round as they deliver mail. The bus company complains about being undercut on fares when they find passengers can pay for a ride in the post vans by collecting and returning red rubber bands to the drivers.

* The Town traders complain that plans for a shopping centre to the Leale’s Yard complex are getting worse. They say they don’t mind cafes and coffee bars to Leale’s Yard, but plans by the Guernsey Restoration Society for a Baker’s Bazaar, a Collins sweet shop, a Fuzzey’s and all the rest, will be the final straw, eh?

October

Despite pessimistic forecasts, Alderney’s budget shows a huge surplus for the previous year. When the figures are released, it turns out an unprecedented amount of money has been made by a surge in betting in their e-gambling industry, from people betting on whether Guernsey will have an incinerator or not.

* There’s plans announced to bring the ice skating rink back to Market Square for Christmas. Some people complain that it’s not a good use of the space outside the Markets, but there’s others, they say the ice will match the atmosphere created by the new buildings.

* A Guernsey grower suggests a new answer to the problem of the island’s waste without building an incinerator. And he says it will solve the problem of rising sea levels from global warming as well. He says if they dig even deeper into Les Vardes quarry till they reach bedrock, they can push the rubbish into the hole underneath, and gradually Guernsey will rise higher so there won’t be any need to raise the sea walls, eh?

November

The utility regulator defends his position, him. He says his job is to identify inefficiencies and wastage of money, and competition will always improve services. When he’s questioned, he admits that the worst area of inefficiency and waste he’s found is in the States of Deliberation. Straight away the chief minister says he’s prepared to set up his own government in competition.

* A report by the Public Accounts Committee this month shows the extent of States members’ confusion over the incinerator contract. It seems that if they’d allowed the contract with Suez to go ahead they wouldn’t have ended up with an environmentally friendly waste-to-energy plant after all, but the Braye du Valle would have been flooded and re-opened as a waterway for shipping.

* Following the remarks by the regulator, the ones from Brecqhou, they deny they’re interested in running a government, as they still haven’t finished with Sark yet. Later, a local playgroup claims it’s in the best position to compete for running the States, because it’s got lots of experience in organising children, eh?

December

The Brecqhou case against Sark finally reaches the United Nations this month. But the United States representative says he hasn’t got a clue where Guernsey is, he thought it was something to do with cows, and as far as America is concerned all offshore islands are bad, so they reject the appeal. The Brecqhou brothers say they will not let the matter rest, and they will appeal to the interplanetary galactic supreme council.

* There’s the usual spate of calendars coming out before Christmas, with rugby players and postmen with no clothes on. But the ladies’ clubs say they’re very disappointed by the latest calendar from local chefs. It shows pictures of undressed crabs, lobsters and other seafood, eh?

* The awards in the New Year Honours, they’re announced, them. The chief minister, he’s really pleased to be recognised, and says he’s going to be known as Sir Globe Trott.

Aen Bouanne Annaie from Emile!