Illustration by Peewee

Cher Eugene,

I suppose you’ve been having barbecues and sunshine on your side of the world, mon vieux, while we’ve been having a bloney cold winter here, us, eh? Well, it’s been cold for Guernsey, anyway, Eugene.

The higher parishes, they had some nasty ice for a day or two, them, and the Water Board wouldn’t let them use salt on the roads because of the water catchment. I was chatting to Bert, from L’Ancresse, and he said he couldn’t see the problem, him, because they didn’t have any ice to the Vale. But then, he’s always said it’s warmer down there, eh?

Mind you, he was saying it shows who’s really in control of the island. The States think they’re in charge, but it’s either the Water Board or the bus company that brings the island to a halt, eh?

What happened was the bus company cancelled some buses because of the ice, so then the Education said they’d have to close the schools because the schoolchildren wouldn’t be able to get to school, eh? Then the police said they didn’t want drivers taking the schoolchildren instead, so that meant some of the parents had to stay home and couldn’t go to work. So then the businesses got affected, and all the events were cancelled, and the whole island came to a halt, eh?

Even the airport got closed, but that was because of ice on the runway, not the firefighters this time, eh? Jack Torode, he’s still cross about the firefighters’ pay deal, him. He said if the Public Services couldn’t use salt to melt the ice, they could have got the firefighters to use some of the kettles they must have for making tea all day, eh?

That tribunal, it’s still going on, to find out what happened with their pay deal, mon vieux. There’s all these ministers and officials saying it wasn’t their fault, and they didn’t have a mandate to negotiate, them.

It makes you wonder, Eugene, I mean, hang, someone gave them a £4,000 pay rise, eh?

There were some claiming it was this emergency powers group, they’re the ones who are supposed to run the island in an emergency, eh?

But the ones on the group, they say they didn’t really meet, them.

Or if they did, they just happened to get together in the same room but it wasn’t a real meeting.

Or if it was a meeting, it wasn’t a formal one, it was just a shadow meeting.

I’ve never heard of that, Eugene, but it’s a good way of running things, eh? It means they can give a huge pay rise to some people without telling anyone else, and then claim they didn’t really do it because they didn’t really meet, and a shadow meeting isn’t a real meeting so no one has to take the blame, eh?

Perhaps that Health minister should have had a shadow meeting of the HSSD to agree all his budget cuts, Eugene.

He wants to save £6m. to stop going over budget again, so he’s cut the number of beds to the hospital, and the number of nurses, and he’s going to cut out some services, and make people pay for others.

Jack Torode said it was typical of the States, he didn’t hear him say anything about reductions in the number of staff who do administration, or cuts in civil servants, eh?

He said they’re even going to stop the canteen at night so the night nurses can’t get a cooked meal during their shift.

But he supposes the administration staff will still get their hot meals because they work during the day, eh?

The HSSD, they’re calling them efficiency savings, but Jack said he couldn’t see how cutting beds and providing fewer services was more efficient.

I said perhaps they should send that Office of Utility Regulator in, because he keeps going on about efficiency, him.

But then, he’s going to have a row with the Post Office in the Royal Court soon, and with all the money that will cost, I don’t see how that’s efficient and saving money for the island, eh?

There’s some States members putting a requete, because the utility regulator’s plans will be bad for the post office, but the States say it’s nothing to do with them because the regulator is independent.

Bert said perhaps it’s not the water or the bus company that runs the island, then, it’s the Office of Utility Regulator, eh?

Or it could be that emergency powers group, as long as they don’t hold a meeting, eh?

Talking of emergencies, I heard they’re going to dismantle the air raid sirens now, Eugene.

You know, the ones they use on Liberation Day, and no one knows which sound is which?

The Home Department, they reckon it will cost £250,000 to repair them, so they’re just going to take them down, and if there’s a big emergency in the future they’ll send everyone a text message on their mobile phone.

Caw, I don’t know whose idea that is, mon vieux, unless it’s the Office of Utility Regulator again, because he thinks he’s done such a good job on the mobile phone companies.

If he gets competition in the postal market, perhaps they’ll use that as well, and send everyone a letter telling them about a four-minute warning, eh?

I said to Jack, it doesn’t look good for an emergency planning group, when it hasn’t planned for 70-year-old emergency sirens to be replaced, eh?

They should have had a shadow meeting, them, then money would have been found without asking, eh?

He wanted to know how it was going to cost a quarter of million pounds to repair a few pre-war sirens. He said his dad was making things like that from scrap metal during the Occupation, and if the States had looked after the small engineering firms, a few retired locals could sort them out for another 70 years, eh?

We were talking about how the States can’t plan ahead, like the snow and ice, and the sirens, and he said it’s the same with that Asterix, you know, the Roman ship they found to the harbour?

All the timbers have been preserved now, and they’re ready to come back to Guernsey, but there isn’t anywhere to put it. Well, it was found in 1985 so they’ve only had 25 years, eh?

I suppose they could ask for their original mooring back, Eugene, as long as they can get it for the original price, eh?

It seems it’s a really important relic, and there could be people coming from all over the world to look at it, but no one’s thought where to put it.

I said to Jack, they were talking about building a horrible club house to the Careening Hard, they could do worse than build something there to house the wreck, and make a visitor attraction, eh?

Talking of visitors, that hotel on the cliffs is for sale, mon vieux, the one with the big marquee?

I heard the owner saying there’s been a lot of enquiries from people who might buy it, but he didn’t say if all the enquiries have been from campsite owners, eh?

Anyway, I’d better finish this letter now, mon vieux, because the postman hasn’t been yet, and I might only have four minutes left…

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile