(Illustration by Peewee)

CHER Eugene,

Well, mon vieux, we’ve passed the spring equinox at last, us, eh? So we’ve got longer days now. And the weather, it’s finally turned warmer, eh?

By the time you get this letter, we’ll have put the clocks forward as well, so we’ll have the lighter evenings too, us. Mind you, I suppose it’s the opposite on your side of the world, Eugene. I don’t know if they change the clocks over there, but you’re already 12 hours out, eh?

It’s this time of year we usually have some States members saying we should go to continental time all year round, but then, the States have been too tied up talking rubbish and that incinerator to think of anything else, mon vieux.

They even passed a requete last time to go back and look at everything again, even though they’d made up their minds before. But then there was a requete to reverse the last requete, so no one knows where they are. I suppose that’s nothing new, eh?

I heard someone saying it was like a yo-yo government, but I’m not sure it’s any sort of government, Eugene. When you think, a U-turn on top of a

U-turn makes a circle, so that says it all, eh?

And they’ve just admitted it’s cost £11m. for all the work so far, to get nowhere, eh? Caw, when you think, we’re used to States projects being overspent, Eugene, but only the States could overspend on a project that doesn’t even exist, eh?

I was chatting to Bert, from L’Ancresse, and he said the States have been years talking about spending £93m. on an incinerator without making a decision, but at the same time there’s this property group, they’ve put forward plans for a £250m. development to the Saltpans, and they expect the first firm to move in next year. Caw, there’s a difference, eh?

Bert was saying the development will be one of these cyber park places.

I said I didn’t really know what that was. I thought all this cyberspace stuff was sort of virtual, and didn’t exist, a bit like proper government for Guernsey, eh?

But he said the planners are calling it a technology park, because it will be for all these

e-commerce businesses, like

e-commerce and e-retailing and e-business.

I don’t know much about how these e-things work, me, but it seems to me if Guernsey gets a good reputation for it, people in the UK could end up thinking eBay is a beach on the west coast, eh?

There’s some people saying there should be room for the small Guernsey businesses, but I suppose an e-business technology cyber park sounds better than a Fred in the shed park, eh?

And there’s others worried about the traffic, because the entrance is going to be from Route Militaire, so that will mean more traffic lights and junctions, when they’ve already altered the road for that new school, eh?

Bert was saying how it was Sir John Doyle who built the Route Militaire so he could quickly get his troops to Town, but with all the traffic lights and signs these days, any invasion would be over before he got there, eh?

Mind you, there’s a lot of people think the development will be good for Guernsey, mon vieux.

It will be an alternative to the finance industry, and when you think, at least someone is looking to the future of the island and getting on with things, instead of going backwards like the States, eh?

All they seem to do is keep debating requetes and fighting among themselves, so nothing gets done, eh?

I mean, they still haven’t decided on a replacement for their zero-10 yet, eh?

They’re just putting up taxes and prices and inventing new charges, like for the bulk refuse. And they’re still wasting money like there’s no tomorrow, Eugene.I even read on the Press how they’re spending £200,000 a year incinerating Guernsey cows that could be sold for beef. It’s because of European rules from years ago, that cattle over 30 months old have to be tested for BSE.

The States say they haven’t got the facilities to store the meat until the test results come back, so they have to destroy it. But when you think, at £200,000 a year, they could have built something by now, them, eh?

And I was thinking, me, they never said before they were already incinerating that amount of beef, so perhaps that’s secretly why they want such a big incinerator.

I was saying to Bert, you can’t beat the taste of Guernsey beef, and I’m sure the lads would take it off their hands for £200,000, eh?

And the post office, they’re changing their prices as well, them. They’re going to charge for the size of parcels as well as the weight, eh? I can see some sense in that, Eugene, but old Jack Torode, he thinks if he’s got anything big to send, he’ll save money if he takes it apart and sends it in small parcels, him.

When I told him the Liberation celebrations are supposed to include the release of hundreds of homing pigeons from the UK, he said perhaps he could save up all his letters and see if he could strap them to the pigeons, eh?

And you know all that fuss when the airport was closed for three days by the firefighters? Well, the airport authorities say they want to close it for eight days now, for the runway repairs.

Hang, it was only closed for three days and it meant the chief minister getting involved and a meeting of the emergency powers group that wasn’t a real meeting, and the resignation of the Public Sector Remuneration Committee, and a £250,000 enquiry. What’s an eight-day closure going to cost, eh?

The airlines, they all say it’s not necessary, and the work should be done at night, after all, other airports manage without closing down, them. They say it will affect businesses and finance and all that and get Guernsey a bad name.

Caw, it’s a bit late to worry about that, eh, mon vieux?

I said to Bert, it could mean the chief minister won’t be able to go on some of his trips, so perhaps he’ll get involved early this time, eh?

Anyway, with the weather the way it is, there’s everything in the garden suddenly started growing, so I should go and sort out my greenhouse while it’s light.

I’ll get this in the post now before the prices go up, and write to you again soon, mon vieux.

A la percho”ne,

Your cousin Emile