(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,

Before I write anything else, I have to tell you about the Muratti, mon vieux. We won this year, us, for the first time in five years, eh? The Crapauds, they were really put out, them. Our supporters even had to be escorted back to the boat, because the Jersey ones were so cross, them. I suppose it made up a bit for the Siam Cup, eh?

And the week before, the Guernsey team beat Liverpool in another cup, which means the Guernsey team goes on to represent England in international matches. Caw, I bet that upset the Crapauds even before the Muratti, eh?

I was saying to Jack Torode, I hope our lads get to wear the Guernsey flag somewhere on their shirts, them, as well as the English one, eh?

There were a lot of flags on Liberation Day, and it was really good this year, mon vieux. It said on the Press there were 20,000 people in Town for the celebrations. That’s a hang of a lot, eh? Caw, it’s a third of the population. Well, the population that the States are prepared to admit to, anyway.

And I don’t know if you heard, but we had another bank holiday the day after, because Liberation was on a Sunday. Someone told me Jersey didn’t have an extra day off, so that probably wound them up before the Muratti as well, eh?

Mind you, there were some local businesses that still went to work, them. It’s like a lot of these finance experts who stayed up all night to see what was happening in the UK when the general election was on.

There was a lot of talk about whether a coalition would be good or bad for Guernsey, but if you ask me, Guernsey could learn a lot from what happened, Eugene. I mean, we’re supposed to have one States without all the party politics, but the States members, they spend more time arguing among themselves than the English parties do, eh?

There’s a vote of no confidence in the Public Services going to the States now, and that’s only a few months after they had another one on the Public Accounts Committee, eh?

Hang, if they spent the same time and effort making decisions for the good of the island, instead of attacking each other and putting votes of no confidence, it wouldn’t be in such a mess, eh?

That chief minister, he was laying into the HSSD at the last meeting, because they’ve gone over budget again. The figures showed the HSSD had 90 more staff on the payroll than a year ago, and do you know,

the HSSD minister, he said he didn’t know anything about it, him?

Even that Treasury minister is saying something’s got to be done now, because he’s had the figures back from the departments and there’s several gone over budget. The States expenditure has gone up by 10% in one year, and that’s in a year when they’re supposed to be cutting back, them, eh? Caw, it’s no wonder all these reviews say the Guernsey government is dysfunctional, mon vieux.

I was saying to Bert, from L’Ancresse, those big words sound impressive, but maybe they should put it in real local words: it doesn’t bloney work, eh?

I was going to meet Bert for a drink in Town on Liberation, and watch the celebrations, but every pub and cafe seemed to be packed and some, you couldn’t even get in, mon vieux. I suppose it’s because they had this ban on drinking outside. I said to Bert, the pubs and cafes were bulging more than States departments’ budgets, eh?

There was a big cavalcade this year, to mark 65 years since the Liberation, and loads of different things going on. They even had over 1,000 people making a choir to sing on the North Beach.

Bert said he couldn’t see any States members there, but perhaps it was just as well.

I mean, they can’t even sing from the same sheet when they’re in the States, and there’s only 50 of them, eh?

He said if the States was a football team, they wouldn’t even agree what goal they were aiming for, and they’d be fighting among themselves more than the spectators, eh?

And the result is the ordinary Guernseyman has to cut back so he can pay the higher prices caused by the States spending more, eh? It was even on the news that house prices have gone up by 25%, so I don’t know how the youngsters are supposed to buy a house these days, Eugene. You can’t buy a plot and build one, like you did in the old days, because there’s no plots left that can be afforded, eh?

It was on the Press how the local farmers are having a hard time, and there’s hardly anyone going into farming these days, but the States have just watched the numbers go down, eh?

Would you believe, that Commerce and Employment one, she even said there’s so few farmers left they might have to import some! Caw, like Bert said, she should listen to the farmers themselves, there’s no point getting more farmers when it’s the land that’s getting swallowed up. I suppose when it’s too late she’ll say we have to import more fields, eh?

Talking of fields, they’ve been working up to the Tielles, putting tanks in to keep the sewage so they can finally close the outfall to Mont Crevelt, eh? They’re going to pump it all to the Red Lion, so they can have all the pollution in one place.

Bert was saying he wondered if in years to come someone will hear about tanks being buried on the cliffs, and a German archaeologist will think they’re something to do with Occupation. Caw, he’d get a shock when he dug them up, eh?

Anyway, I’m going to finish this letter because I said I’d go to

the Bluebell Wood this afternoon. Mrs Tostevin, to the stores, she said it’s really good this year.

Mind you, there’s talk about our native bluebells being pushed out by these Spanish ones, and how they might take over.

And I heard something about foreign insects coming over and attacking the local bees as well. Bert said only these last few weeks he’s heard about some foreign crabs been found on the shore as well. Caw, it’s another invasion, Eugene! We’ll just have to fight them all off and have another Liberation celebration, us. But don’t tell Jersey, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile