(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,

I’ve said before, you wouldn’t recognise Guernsey if you came back now, mon vieux. There’s so much changed, eh? And not for the better, that’s for sure.

Now there’s even the Little Theatre up for sale. Well, what’s left of it, anyway.

Mick, from Fermain, he was saying how we had some good times there in the past, us, eh? He said it would be good to build a nightclub there again, for the youngsters. After all, they’d be away from the main town, and at their age they’d be fit enough to climb down the steps to get there, eh?

And if they drank too too much, they’d be sober again by the time they’d climbed back up, them.

Those going the other way, they could just be rolled down the steps to people waiting to take them home, eh?

It’s been derelict ever since the fire, mon vieux, so the Environment, they’re saying it’s up to a buyer to apply for planning permission now.

I suppose that means some developer will buy it and build another glass office block, or expensive flats, like everywhere else, eh?

I think I told you, there was this petition handed in to the Environment, against all these monstrosities that have been built? There were 1,700 people signed it, but that Environment minister, he said it didn’t make any difference.

He said they worked out their planning permission based on facts, not on opinions.

Caw, I don’t see how he can say that, mon vieux. I mean, some of the things they find incongruous with the surroundings, and the other things they let through, they’re just a matter of opinion, eh?

Mick said sometimes he thinks it must be the opinion of their guide dog, eh?

It’s funny how they can ignore a petition with that many people, Eugene, when they keep doing surveys on everything else.

I mean, that Commerce and Employment, they want to hear what people think about having competition on the ferry route now, because the current contract expires in a few years’ time.

It seems to me that’s asking the bloney obvious, eh?

Mick said if they don’t know what we want, they shouldn’t be representing us in the States, and they could start by giving us the same sort of deal the English people get when they come from the UK to the Channel Islands, eh?

When you think, they didn’t do much to help the competition last time, them.

They said it was market forces that would produce the best deal for the consumer, but look what happened, Eugene.

And it’s funny, but they’re not leaving things to market forces when it comes to the shops, eh?

You know that development for Leale’s yard got initial approval? Well, some people were worried about the effect it could have on Town, so the Commerce and Employment, they went and got a survey from consultants.

But the other retailers, they weren’t happy with that survey, them, so they did a different one, which suits them better.

So now there’s two different reports, eh?

It’s funny, but I don’t remember the same thing happening before they built that Admiral Park, or altered the Markets, eh?

The Commerce and Employment, they’re talking about a retail strategy to protect St Peter Port, but it seems to me, it’s a bit late for that, eh?

They should have done that before they let the offices and banks buy up most of Town.

I’ve said before, if the States kept a horse behind a stable door, they’d spend most of their time chasing down the road trying to catch it, eh?

There’s been another survey as well this month, mon vieux. It’s from the UK, the one they do every year on the beaches and how clean they are? It said most of the beaches were okay, but Cobo and Pembroke and Ladies didn’t pass their water quality test.

I don’t know how they work out their results, them, because there were loads of people on those beaches last year, and I don’t remember any epidemic of illness, me.

Mick said he went swimming to Cobo a couple of times, and the only thing he suffered was hypothermia.

Mind you, when you think, two of them are next to Mont Cuet, so I don’t know if that had anything to do with it.

Mick says with the thousands of seagulls circling round the quarry every day, perhaps the sea up there is getting concentrated, like Belle Greve on a bad day, eh?

Talking of Cobo, there was a fuss the other week, mon vieux.

That hotel wanted to hold one of their open air concerts again, but the police, they wouldn’t close the road like they’ve done before, eh?

They said the hotel would have to buy an alfresco licence for £1,000, because the road should only be closed for a special event, and according to the law officers, it wasn’t clear what constituted a special event.

Old Mick, he said they close the Pollet for that alfresco dining every so often, and they’ve closed the sea front in Town for a couple of weekends already, so it’s obvious: you just have to put tables in the road on a rainy Sunday to make a special event, eh?

He was saying, there’s been talk about the law officers before, Eugene, because he thought they’re supposed to advise the States on the law, but sometimes they seem to be a law unto themselves eh?

Perhaps it’s because they’ve got these CCTV cameras in Town, so the police can see what’s going on, but I don’t know if they’ve got any to Cobo, them.

Then again, they’ve put one of those cameras on Burhou, to watch the puffins, so perhaps the police are expecting trouble there.

Caw, if the law officers get wind of it they’ll be wanting a £1,000 alfresco licence, eh?

Talking of surveys and cameras, it was on the Press how that Google car is coming to Guernsey, to take pictures of all the roads and houses.

Hang, when you think, the visitors are always getting lost, and saying they can’t tell the difference between a driveway or track to a house and a real road. It should be fun watching an American firm trying to find their way up some of the little lanes, eh?

Mind you, some people have said they don’t want their pictures taken. Mick said any youngsters coming out of a nightclub to the Little Theatre should be safe, though. After all, if the Google people tried to get round some of those steps, they’d end up like that car to the Vauxlaurens a few years ago, eh?

He said they’ve got a camera that goes round on a pole on top of their car. I was thinking, me, it’s a good job we’ve just done the hedge cutting then, mon vieux, or they’d keep getting their camera stuck in overhanging branches. They’d be able to see things about as clearly as the States then, eh, mon vieux?

A la percho”ne,

Your cousin Emile