(Illustration by Peewee)

My wonderful Cher Eugene,

I told you Guernsey’s changed a lot from how she used to be, eh? Well, you’ll never guess the latest, mon vieux. We’re going to be able to choose our own Lt-Governor now, eh?

Caw, that’s a change from a few hundred years of history, that’s for sure. And when you think, we can’t even elect our own chief minister, eh?

Jack Torode, he said he might apply, him, but I told him he was too old, Eugene. I said if he had to inspect the Chelsea pensioners, or visit old people’s homes, he could get mistaken for one of them, eh?

And anyway, you have to have a distinguished military career to be governor. He said he used to go clay pigeon shooting, and he’d hurled abuse at some French fishermen from his boat, so perhaps that would do.

I’m not too too sure why it has to change, mon vieux. Perhaps it’s something to do with Europe, because most other things are, eh?

There’s been talk about the Bailiff, and how he’s got a dual role as president of the States and judge of the Royal Court, and the Sark Seneschal is having to change, because these European politicians don’t like that sort of thing.

Although, like I’ve said before, Eugene, most of them have never been to Sark, and don’t even know where it is. They probably don’t know what a seneschal is either, eh?

It said on the Press it’s the Bailiff and the Seigneur and that one from Alderney who’ll do the selecting for the governor. Although, when you think, he’s the Queen’s representative, so I suppose she might have the final say, her.

At least it’s not the States, hang, we could be years without a governor if we had to wait for them, eh?

I was thinking, me, it’s funny how things as important as choosing the Lt-Governor can change, but when it comes to things that need changing, like the machinery of government, nothing happens, eh?

I mean, you know there’s been all this talk about island-wide voting. Well, that constitution committee, it sent letters round and asked everyone what they thought, and it came up with three ways it could work. Mind you, with one of them, we could end up having to vote for 47 deputies, eh?

Anyway, they put a report to the States at their last meeting, but you know the States, Eugene. they couldn’t make up their minds, eh? They wanted more reports and consultation, them.

I said to Jack, if they can’t make up their minds on three options, how do they expect us to make a decision on 47, eh?

But it was to the same meeting, they had this proposal to ban cigarette machines in places where youngsters under the age of 18 could use them. And all of a sudden, in the middle of the debate, one of the States members stood up and said they should ban cigarette machines altogether.

Well, they didn’t have any reports on that, mon vieux, and they hadn’t done any consultation either. Hang, it wasn’t even in the Billet. But do you know, they voted for it?

I said to Jack, I suppose the difference is, island-wide voting could affect the deputies themselves, but with something that just affects other people they can suddenly make a decision they weren’t even asked for, eh?

It’s no wonder they’ve had all these consultants reports telling them the system of government doesn’t work, and the States are dysfunctional, eh? I mean, what sort of government can suddenly invent a ban like that without thinking it through. Hang, it’s like starting a debate on the animal cruelty laws, and ending up with a complete ban on fishing, eh?

There’s a few people saying they’re turning Guernsey into a nanny state, and they’re obviously in banning mood at the moment, Eugene.

There’s even been talk about banning people from having bonfires in their garden, because they’re worried about air pollution.

Caw, I hope they don’t hold a debate on that, mon vieux. It could only take one deputy to make a silly suggestion and there could be a ban on cows eating grass and giving off methane. Or worse still, they could have a go at beanjar, eh?

That reminds me, I met Bert, from L’Ancresse, to the Viaer Marchi, and he said to remember him to you.

He’d been watching the football World Cup from South Africa, him.

He was saying about the noise from those trumpet things they blow over there, the vuvuzelas? He said they reminded him of a good night out with some cider and beanjar, eh?

Talking about banning things, there’s a ban on importing Spanish tomatoes into the island now as well. Mind you, that’s not such a bad thing, mon vieux. After all, I’ve always said it must be breaking some trades description law to call those things tomatoes, eh?

It seems they found a container with a foreign insect in, that could attack local crops. I said to Jack, there’s probably no need to worry. I mean, if the insects usually eat Spanish tomatoes, they wouldn’t recognise the taste of a real Guernsey tom, eh?

Talking about importing and exporting things, I heard the utility regulator, he’s going to do work for Jersey as well now, so the two islands can share him.

Well, you know what I think, Eugene: the Crapauds can have all of him, eh? I wonder what the Bailiff would think about someone having a dual role like that, eh?

It said on the Press it’s supposed to save money, but the regulator, he couldn’t say how much that would be. That’s funny, because I thought that was part of his job, mon vieux. He can tell all these utilities how to save money, and what prices to charge, but he can’t do that with his own office, eh?

Jack was saying the Crapauds should pay more than us, because they’re a bigger island, so we got talking about the size of the population, and how the States don’t want to do a census any more.

They’re talking about having one of those big electronic databases instead, with all the names and personal details of everyone on it? Caw, there’s a lot of people who don’t like that idea, Eugene. And like I’ve said before, if you want to know about anyone, you just have to ask Mrs Goupillot from the fourcross, she knows everyone, and their business, eh?

I suppose at least we don’t have any trains for people to leave these memory sticks or laptops on, like they do in the UK, eh?

Jack said when he’s governor he’ll put a stop to it, but I don’t think he needs to worry, him. After all, the idea is for all the different States departments to contribute and share information, and there’s as much chance of that happening as there is of him becoming governor, eh?

I’ll write again soon, mon vieux.

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile