(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,
You know I’ve said you wouldn’t recognise the island if you came back now, mon vieux? Well, I was thinking, me, there’s one thing that’s still the same. The States debates, eh?

They’re still talking about the Sunday trading, them, and the animal welfare, and paid parking, and waste disposal, and traffic, eh? Caw, people say the pace of life is slow in Guernsey, but in the case of the States, it seems to have stopped, eh?

Jack Torode, he was saying all they have to do is set up a controlling committee like they had in the Occupation, and they’ll be back to square one, them.

It’s funny how they can’t make up their minds on these things, but on others, a committee can make a decision all on its own without telling anyone. I mean, the other week that Treasury and Resources one, he announced he’s agreed to sell Aurigny. The whole airline, eh? He’s going to write off £6m. of loans, and then give the whole airline to Blue Islands.

Caw, you can guess what some people were saying, Eugene. The States keep telling us lessons have been learned, so they must have been in the wrong classroom when they sold Guernsey Telecoms, eh?

And the thing is, the States members, they didn’t know anything about it, them. So I don’t know what happened to this transparent government, mon vieux. Like Jack said, they keep telling us the taxpayer owns the airline, but that means the owners didn’t even know it was up for sale, eh?

There was a big fuss about it, that’s for sure. There were all sorts of stories going round, Eugene, and not just from Mrs Goupillot, to the fourcross. Well, you know what she’s like, she said it all started to go wrong when they changed the colour of the planes from yellow, eh?

But that Flybe airline, they said they would have bought Aurigny and taken on the loans as well, so that would have saved millions. And someone said there was a chance that the airlines might merge together, and then that it could be the other way round, with Aurigny taking over Blue Islands instead.

I said to Jack, it turned into a bigger mess than his cousin’s attempt at bean jar, eh?

There was even that pilot, the one who saw the UFO, saying he wanted to buy the Trislander part of Aurigny. Perhaps he wants to look for some more, him.

Jack said he doesn’t believe in UFOs, him, but he thought there was more chance of seeing one than the States making a good decision, eh?

Mind you, like I said to him, I wonder what another pilot would report if he thought he saw a little yellow plane in the sky with big eyes and a red nose, smiling at him, eh?

Anyway, I suppose the States will have to debate it, mon vieux, so they’ll probably send a committee away to do a strategic report. That’s the way they normally put off making decisions, eh?

I mean, they’re still putting a waste strategy together, and now they’ve put the bus fares up there’s talk about revisiting the traffic strategy, with paid parking all over again, and even the Sunday trading as well. And when you think, they haven’t even got a tax strategy to replace that zero-10 yet. They’ll need a strategy for sorting out all their strategies soon, eh?

I was saying to Jack, the trouble is, a strategy involves forward planning, and the States aren’t very good at that, them.

Well, unless it involves making a law to allow VAT in Guernsey, but calling it GST to make it sound better. And then telling us they haven’t got any plans to introduce it, it’s just in case, eh?

Jack said that’s about as believable as promises over the Gatwick slots. Or UFOs in the sky over Alderney, eh?

Talking of forward planning, we were saying about that Roman ship they found to the harbour. You remember, Eugene, the Asterix? It’s been undergoing preservation in Portsmouth for 25 years and now it’s ready to come back to Guernsey. Not to be sailed, mind. Hang, they haven’t done that good a job.

The Culture committee, they haven’t got anywhere to put it on display. But they’ve known about it for 25 years, eh? Jack was saying if they’d listened to the farmers about the waste of good local beef, they’d have built a new slaughterhouse by now, and the one to the harbour could be used for the display. The trouble is, that could involve two committees and two strategies. Hang, if that’s the case the ship will need restoring again by the time they make up their minds, eh?

There was a bit of a debate about it at the last States meeting, Eugene. The museum director, he put in a report saying the island’s historical items and archives are all in a mess, because there’s not enough storage space. It was after that the States decided to close the Telephone Museum and put all the exhibits into storage, eh?

The thing is, according to some experts, the Asterix is really important, and it would be a good tourist attraction for the island if it was on proper display.

But then, the States don’t seem to worry too much about tourists these days, eh? I mean, it was on the news last week how the crapauds have asked the BBC to name Jersey on the national weather maps, so people will know where it is, and will see it’s warmer than England. But when they asked the Guernsey tourism, they weren’t bothered, them. Can you believe that, mon vieux? Old Jack, he was up in arms, him. He said no self-respecting donkey would let the crapauds have their island name on the map without Guernsey as well, eh? Unless it was so they could complain later, and then get Guernsey’s put on, but in bigger letters.

Bert, from L’Ancresse, he said the crapauds are playing it crafty, them. He said they claim to have higher temperatures than here, but that’s only because they measure it to St Helier, eh?

But the temperature for Guernsey, it’s measured to the airport, on the highest part of the island. He said it’s often foggy to the airport when it’s sunny to L’Ancresse, so all they have to do is move the thermometer down to the Vale, eh? I said it wouldn’t be that easy, Eugene. If the States owns the thermometer it will probably need a debate and a whole new strategy before they can do anything.

Unless, of course, the treasury decide to sell it without telling anyone, eh? Your cousin Emile