(Illustration by Peewee)

CHER Eugene,

Well, I suppose we’re to the end of our summer now, us, with all the schools gone back, eh? That means you must be starting summer on your side of the world then, eh, mon vieux?

The weather wasn’t too too bad this year, except for August when the schools broke up. I heard someone saying it always happens like that, but I seem to remember in the old days we were to the beach every day in the holidays, eh?

We had that Google car here in August, Eugene. You know, the one that takes all the photographs for the internet?

Old Jack Torode, when he heard about it, he was out doing his window boxes like there’s no tomorrow, eh? He even said about painting his front wall, him. Caw, that’s about time, eh?

He was going to stand outside his cottage wearing his guernsey and his beret, but he gave up when he heard that they blank out all the faces of any people in their pictures.

That got me thinking, mon vieux, their car was going round just after the scarecrow competition to Torteval. So I was wondering, somewhere in America there could be all these clever computer experts thinking the Guernsey people look funny and trying to blank out the faces of scarecrows, eh?

That pedestrian group, they got their special walk done to the new school before the pupils went back. But there were lots of complaints about how safe it was.

It will be pretty dark in the winter, just when the police are telling people not to walk in dark places on their own, eh? I was saying to Jack, in the old days we had to walk or cycle, us, but we’d pick our own route, usually so we could scrump apples on the way home, eh?

Mind you, any children cycling in Saumarez Park could be in trouble now, because the Environment, they’ve banned anyone more than 10 years old from cycling in the park. They said they’d had complaints about it being dangerous, but later it turned out they’d only had two complaints. Caw, I bet they get more than that about their planning permissions, Eugene, but they don’t act so quick then, eh?

But the trouble is, this health and safety, you can take it too far, eh?

I mean, the Environment, they banned children over 10 years old from cycling in the park, but then they put some tape up to protect the young trees, at just the right height to catch a toddler and knock him off his bike, eh? So perhaps they’ll have to ban the tape as well on safety grounds.

When you think, it could get really silly, mon vieux. I mean, there could be a robbery or a crime and the police could use some of their tape to mark the scene of the crime, but they could be committing another crime by using the tape.

So then they’d have to cordon the new crime off with more tape. But that would be another one, eh? They’d run out of police tape faster than they run out of policemen, them.

I suppose if that happened they could always use some of the red tape that comes out of the States, there’s an endless supply of that, eh?

It’s like these boards on the pavements that show people where some businesses are. They call them A-boards, because that’s their shape when they’re put out. I suppose you’ve got them over there as well, mon vieux.

We were chatting about them to the slip and I had to laugh, me, because there were some visitors there who thought we were saying ‘eh?’ boards, because of the way we speak, eh?

Anyway, the Environment, they made all the businesses take them away, because they have to get permission and they could be dangerous.

And then they realised the States had loads outside the tourist board, so they had to make them take them in as well.

But I don’t know about them being unsightly. After all, there’s loads of big signs suddenly appeared hanging from the lampposts all round Guernsey, advertising this new digital television that’s coming, eh?

I don’t know how they got permission for those things, mon vieux, when Jack can’t even change his front gate.

Perhaps some of the businesses could use them instead of the A-boards. Jack said he might apply to use one when the television is finished with it to show people the way to his hedge veg stall, eh.

Mind you, he’d probably have to wait three years for planning permission, or else he’d have to put in one of these development design briefs. I don’t know if you have them over there, mon vieux, but it seems you have to have a development brief for everything here now.

It was funny, when I told Jack he thought I was talking about a modern sort of underwear, because he’d heard some youngsters saying the States were pants, eh?

The States have issued one of them for the old Guernsey Brewery now, saying it would be a good place for a hotel. But you know what will happen in the end, Eugene. It will probably end up like all the other sites and be turned into expensive luxury flats for English people to buy and rent out to locals.

Jack said he probably couldn’t afford one, but he’s always fancied living above a brewery, eh?

Bert, from L’Ancresse, he was saying the way things are going it could be built quicker than the Leale’s Yard. The developers there, they’re getting fed up with the Environment changing the rules.

He was saying it’s funny how the Commerce and Employment claim they like competition and want to encourage businesses to the island and they’re all pleased when these UK chains come to Guernsey, eh? And they want people to buy things locally instead of on the internet? But now they’ve said the Leale’s Yard will have to be scaled down because it will have too many shops.

The developers say the Environment gave initial permission, but then changed their minds. Well, that’s not unusual for the States, eh?

Bert reckons they were got at by the Town retailers, but that wouldn’t happen in Guernsey, eh, Eugene? He says they’re afraid it will be competition. But like he says, there’s been shops closing in Town for years, because of the rents, and Leale’s Yard isn’t built yet, eh?

And when you think, there’s even some deputies talking about that traffic strategy again, with paid parking in Town. Caw, that will finish off the shops quicker than anything to Leale’s Yard, eh?

Old Bert was telling me about plans to improve the Delancey Park, to make a really nice area to the north of the island. He said perhaps the States would object to that, because it could be competition for Candie Gardens or Saumarez Park. Caw, if the developers decided not to use tape round trees and to let youngsters go cycling there, that would be really provocative, eh?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile