(Illustration by Peewee)

Cher Eugene,

By the time you get this letter, we’ll have had Budloe night, us.I don’t suppose you have that where you are, eh, mon vieux? We’ve got darker nights as well now the clocks have gone back, so we’re heading for winter here, that’s for sure.

Mrs Tostevin, from the Stores, she was going to get some fireworks for her grandchildren, but she said they’re bloney expensive now, them. I think she meant the fireworks, not her grandchildren, but it could be both, eh? And she said somehow they don’t seem to last as long as they used to.

Well, that happens to a lot of things when you get older, eh? I remember things like the Catherine wheels used to go round fast and send sparks in all directions, but these modern ones, they can be a bit like a new member in the States: they just get stuck in one place and the spark doesn’t last long, eh?

I suppose they’ll have Budloe night in Sark as well, but they’re keen on the dark nights there. They’re even applying for dark sky status, them, eh?

I’m not too sure what that is, Eugene, but it means you can see the stars more clearly, because there’s not so much pollution from street lights and all that. So it’s good for astronomers and they say it might attract more visitors.

Mind you, I don’t know what you have to do to get dark sky status, or who you apply to. That’s a bit like that businessman when he wanted to bring a business to Guernsey, eh?

They were saying in Sark they want to be the first island to have the status, but I heard Alderney might jump on the bandwagon and try for it as well. Old Jack Torode, he said there’s some people up there who see a lot of stars, but usually on a Friday night after closing time, eh?

It’s one thing that Guernsey won’t be going for, that’s for sure, with all these office buildings lit up at night. Caw, they must use some electric, them. I don’t know about their carbon footprint, mon vieux, it’s more like a carbon stampede, eh?

And anyway, they’ve given permission for that new monument to be built to Delancey Park, for Admiral de Saumarez. It will be 100ft high with holes in it and a light inside, so it will look like stars. Perhaps that will do, eh?

They want to put a skatepark and other things there too, mind, so I don’t know if they’ll get permission for all that as well. You can never tell with these planning decisions, eh? I mean, would you believe, there’s a granite boundary wall been built to St Peter’s and the Environment, they say it’s out of character with the surroundings.

Hang, they’ll have to do a lot of demolition if they think a granite wall is out of character to St Peter’s, eh? I said to Jack, it’s in keeping with the people who make these decisions. After all, granite is pretty dense and immoveable, eh?

It’s the same with that shop to Perelle, mon vieux. You know, the old bakery that used to sell guernseys? It’s got new owners and they’ve been told they can’t run a shop there because it’s classed as a factory. I suppose that’s because they used to make the bread and the guernseys there to sell.Well, that’s easy then, eh, Eugene? All the owners have to do is make a bit of fudge in the back room and then they can say it’s manufacturing. That will be in keeping with the States as well – after all, they like a good fudge, eh?

I mean, they keep talking about the need to save money and have a strategic plan, but that’s all they do: keep talking. They had their meeting in October, but spent three days debating things left over from September. So all the November things have got put back to December.

Jack said it proves him right. He’s always said the States are behind the times. I said to him, they spent six days debating their spending priorities, but I haven’t heard when they’re going to start on their saving priorities, eh?

And there was a big fuss because the HSSD, they didn’t put a programme for bowel cancer screening as one of their priorities. They said they couldn’t afford it, so they wanted to take £200,000 from the museum service. But some deputies, they said the HSSD budget is more than £100m. in a year, so if they can’t save 0.2% of that from somewhere, it’s a poor show, eh? And I was thinking, me, the average Guernseyman, has had to cut back more than that just to cope with all the price rises, eh?

That minister for the Health, he said he’d been trying to save money, him, and he’d even asked his staff for ideas, but there’s a few deputies not convinced, mon vieux. I mean, in the Press it said there’s 87 people employed by Health just in their HR department, so there’s 87 people that won’t be suggesting a cut in that area then, eh?

It makes you wonder what happened to all these reports and fundamental spending reviews and all that. They even had a financial transformation programme, so that sounds good, eh, Eugene? It was supposed to save £1.7m. in 2010, so the States allocated things they could do with all that money. But when the Treasury announced the savings to the end of September, the total was nothing.

I said to Jack, we shouldn’t be surprised, us – after all, anything with the word transformation doesn’t fit well with the current States, eh? But they’re still going ahead with spending the money, even though they haven’t saved it.

Well, I’m no expert, me, but it seems to me that means they’re spending extra, eh? Caw, they’re supposed to be responsible for a major finance centre full of financial experts, but they could learn something from my mum. She used to say you couldn’t spend money you didn’t have, eh?

And you know there’s been this talk about the pension scheme for civil servants, because private companies have had to stop theirs? Well, the UK has said it has to change over there and even the Crapauds say they can’t keep theirs going.

But the States, they’ve said they don’t want to do anything until they see what the UK does. So it’s the same as that idea of going to central European time, Eugene – it avoids making a decision, eh?

It’s funny how they say Guernsey is independent and needs an office in Brussels and a chief minister who travels round the world, but they can’t make an independent decision. I’ve said before, they just seem to copy everything the UK does, them.

Mind you, it’s been all over the news lately how the UK government is making lots of spending cuts, so that will be the one time the States decide they shouldn’t follow the UK, eh?I’ll write again soon, mon vieux.

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile