(Illustrationg by Peewee)

CHER Eugene,

I’m not sure what happens on your side of the world, mon vieux, because your seasons are back to front, eh? But the schools have broken up for the summer here now. When they go back, the secondary schools will have a new uniform, them, because the Education say they should wear a blazer and tie, to look smart.

Caw, I don’t know if that follows, Eugene. I mean, that Town deputy, he wears a collar and tie, him, but he also wears his dinner, eh? They say it will be like the colleges, mon vieux, so perhaps that’s why they keep calling the pupils students, and all the secondary schools seem to be high schools now, eh? I don’t see a name makes that much difference, mon vieux. I mean, the States call themselves a government, eh?

Talking of uniforms, the police have got a new one now. It’s all black, like an American gun squad, so I suppose it’s to go with their armoured cars. Mrs Tostevin, to the Stores, she said it doesn’t look smart or friendly, and she wouldn’t want to meet someone dressed like that on a dark night. I said she wouldn’t even see them on dark night. But perhaps that’s the idea, eh?

I don’t know what the health and safety would say, Eugene. Perhaps they’ll have to wear those fluorescent jackets on top, so it will be a waste of money changing them, eh?

Talking of health and safety, I was to the Viaer Marchi, me, and I met Bert, from L’Ancresse. He was saying they’ve had to restrict cars going over the bridge to Castle Cornet, because it’s not safe. He said he’d told some visitors it was the weight of all the lorries with the cannonballs for the noonday gun, so they’ll have to find a different way of getting them back every time they fire them, eh?

Bert said he’ll have to find a different way of getting down Route Militaire, because it’s being closed for 10 weeks so they can build an entrance for that industrial development to the Saltpans. They’re calling it a data park, Eugene, but that’s like calling schoolchildren students – the name doesn’t change what it is, eh?

Bert was saying it’s funny how you can’t get planning permission to put a shed on an allotment, but they can demolish a house and alter a main road and then put more traffic lights in the road, even though the deputies object. He said they put new traffic lights to the fourcross when they built the new secondary school – I mean the high school – just to keep that walking group happy, and they’ve altered the Crossways ones as well, so there’s queues of traffic all the time now. When you think, Sir John Doyle built the Route Militaire to get his troops to Town in a hurry. Hang, if he had to stop at all the lights, we’d be invaded by the time he got to the Halfway, eh?

It’s like when they put the traffic lights to that Admiral Park, Eugene, they said they wouldn’t cause any delays along the front, but I don’t know anyone who believes that now, eh? I suppose the Environment will say they’ve done one of those environmental impact assessments, them, but that doesn’t mean they take any notice. I mean, there’s the Public Services, they’ve admitted now they’re going to build a cement works opposite the airport, to work on the materials brought from Longue Hougue. They’ve had an environmental impact assessment, but they’re still going to do it. Would you believe, the assessment said there will be noise and dust? Caw, I wonder how much it cost to get experts to tell them that, eh?

There were some deputies saying the cargo boats could unload their aggregate to Petit Bot, with a big conveyor belt to take the stone up the hill, like they’ve got to Ronez. Well, I suppose it would save 60 lorries a day going all round the island, mon vieux, and they could turn it into a cable car after, like they’ve got to Jersey, eh? I said to Bert they could go one better, and employ local labour to do a temporary repair to the runway, then they could save all the transportation problems by flying the stuff in, eh?

Talking of transportation, do you know we can’t buy Guernsey butter in the shops now, because it’s all been exported to a UK supermarket? We’ve had to import butter from Jersey, us. Caw, it was bad enough with the milk, eh? It seems the only place to buy Guernsey butter is that new English supermarket, because the butter has been exported to their depot in England and then sent back to Guernsey. I was thinking, that’s like a reversal of the VAT loophole, except we’re not saving money, eh? Caw, it comes to something when my pack of Guernsey butter is collecting air miles like the chief minister, eh?

And it’s not just the dairy, Eugene. There’s the States Electric making a profit at last, but the States, they’re still going to put prices up, because they want the money to invest in future developments. That’s like the water bills, where all the charges used to be included in our rates and taxes but now we have to pay extra for them. They think we haven’t noticed, eh?

The Electric are talking about this renewable energy for the future, and I heard they’re going to spend money looking at wind farms. But we don’t want those big windmills in the sea off Guernsey, eh? It seems to me this renewable energy is either wind or solar or tidal, Eugene, and any Guernseyman knows we sometimes get wind and we sometimes get sun, but we always get the tides. But I suppose they’ll need an environmental impact assessment to tell them that, eh?

I’ve said before, you wouldn’t recognise the island if you came back now, mon vieux. They say Guernsey’s a finance centre, but it seems to me it’s becoming just a big building site. I don’t know how this new tourism chief is going to attract visitors, him. They’ll land on a smooth runway opposite a cement works and find the roads full of lorries, with queues of cars at traffic lights, and the island full of buildings. They’ll see smart students going to high schools but won’t even be able to see a policeman, eh? To get away from the dust, the visitors will have to go to the coast and look at wind turbines. Or they could go for a walk in the park, as long as it’s not Admiral or Data, eh?

Bert said they’ll have to go to Herm or Sark for some peace and quiet. They could see the sheep racing, watching dumb animals following one another without any idea where they’re going. Or they could go to States meeting, eh, mon vieux?

A la perchoine,

Your cousin Emile